Maya Angelou once said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”. I have heard Oprah add “the first time” to the end of this quote indicating that sometimes we take too long in the Believing phase. At the beginning of my relationship with Travis that lasted two years, he communicated concerns that he had about my situation – about the unchanging situation of me being a divorced single mom whose ex-husband had visitation rights. At the end of my relationship with Travis, his concerns had not changed and he took some time to write some closing thoughts. Regarding his efforts in the relationship, he always felt like he was doing too much, more than his best. Really he did his best and at the end of it all, love remained on the sidelines. It never played. “I care about you a lot and always wanted to make you happy. I tried very hard to do so until the point where I realized that I could not emotionally do so without great cost to myself… the situation wouldn’t change so I found myself revisiting the same hurtful emotions….I didn’t leave you. Bhakti, it’s not like that, I was forced out because I couldn’t bear to stay. I think those are two very different things. It’s not my fault that things are the way they are and I wish that it were not so. I know that you made some extreme changes in your life after we met and I am very proud of you for that. I feel bad that you did so much to change and I couldn’t meet you from my side. To my credit, though, I did give up a lot of hopes and expectations and left a number of desires and expectations behind, which was very difficult for me. I just cannot go one more step, I need to be able to have an unimpeded future, and then I think I can forget the past. But it is so hard to forget when it’s still in the present”, he said.
Over two years of a committed relationship with Travis, he was hesitant to call me his girlfriend and never said he loved me. He never accepted me as a divorced single mom whose ex-husband had visitation rights. He always thought that my son’s future was bound for failure. The present was always clouded by the thoughts of a worst case scenario future. I cannot help but look back and think that Travis missed out on the present and on love. Love is not selfish. Love is about meeting someone in the middle. It is about not living in the past, enjoying the present and looking forward to the future. I always wondered why it was so hard for my boyfriends to utter the I love you phrase. I spent many days doing so much to change. I do not regret that because it has shaped the woman I am today. The change was good. I am thankful that they did not utter I love you because I would have wrongfully assumed that they were also doing so much to change. In some of these cases, I was good enough but the timing was not right. In other cases I was not good enough in their eyes and the timing did not matter. When timing and acceptance both align, then something special is revealed. I learned something else from this relationship – Travis knew when to walk away. Though we all hate giving up, we should recognize the moments when something is in fact dead and make the choice to not let the situation control us. Sometimes space and time gives us a chance to remove the rose colored glasses and see things clearly. When something is dead, just leave it. In time, you will know whether you have made the right decision. The name Travis is a fictional name used in substitute of the real name. I went to a Santana concert recently with a friend. Santana said “Your mind is a magnet. You do not attract what you need or what you want; you attract who you are.” I immediately felt a sense of gratitude for the friend that had so graciously invited me to the concert and began to reflect on the rest of my friends and professional associates. The phrase “you are the company you keep” kept playing in my mind. You can change friends as you transition from childhood to adulthood. As I have grown older, the company I have kept has either evolved or changed. Are we the company we keep? Who are we?
Live in Self is about being present and aware. Walk with me through a short mental exercise. Examine you and your circle. Keep things honest here. You are doing this alone, and there is no need to lie to yourself.
If you do not like the answers to the questions, think about whether a change of scenery would be of benefit to you. When someone is doing something bad, people often recommend rehabilitation. In rehabilitation, one’s scenery is changed. If one isn’t serious about the change, they leave rehab and return to their old routines. You have to want the change. Norman Vince Peale said “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” Do not underestimate the role that your company plays in your thoughts and ultimately your success. Bad company can paralyze your present and crumble your future. You cannot have high expectations for your life and low consideration for your company. Not sure of the character of a person, look at his friends. This is what many employers do when evaluating prospective employees. To some extent, your friends define and influence who you are and where you are going. You choose your company. There is a mutual acceptance of who we surround ourselves with and in some instances, both people are on different levels. Think of someone you really admire and then take notice of their inner circle. You are either elevating your friends or causing their decline. You friends are either elevating you or causing your decline. CHOOSE to surround yourself with people who believe in you, people who think, people who have vision, people who motivate you, inspire you, and push you in a positive direction. You choose! Finally, be the person you want to meet. If you are friends with people who represent a desired end state for you, it is in your best interest to demonstrate positive and upward evolution lest they think you are not worth their company. It is very important to have a personal safe haven to go to from time to time. What is a personal safe haven? It is a place of refuge and comfort where you can go to reflect, to be renewed, to find peace, to let down your guard, to be calm, to find solitude. This can be a physical or mental place. Your safe haven can be anything you need it to be.
As you are considering what your safe haven might be, perform self-discovery with regard to what feeds your soul and what speaks to you. Some examples of personal safe havens are: • looking at a picture of a place that you enjoy • touching a physical object that promotes positive thoughts • listening to a song • going to a meditation room • meditating • exercising When you feel like the world is coming crashing in around you or when you just feel out of balance, retreat to your safe haven for 5-10 minutes. Refocus, reprioritize, and find your center. Then return to life. If you go into any home décor store, you can usually find décor with the phrase Keep Calm and Carry On. Keep Calm and Carry On was the phrase on a motivational poster produced by the British government in 1939 after the start of WWII for the purpose of raising the morale of the British public in the aftermath of predicted mass air attacks on major cities. While the poster was never put on public display, it is now is a popular phrase displayed in many homes. Sometimes I go to my personal safe haven to keep calm and carry on. I was on a plane once during the evening and had the opportunity to see a beautiful sunset on takeoff. My first instinct when I see something I like or something that is beautiful is to grab my phone and take a picture. What are my children going to do with a picture of a sunset?
I am not sure there is a use for it, but nonetheless I look at a lot of life through the phone screen. I have over 10,000 cell phone photos on my computer. As I write this, I can hear you gasping. When I saw the sunset, I pulled up the phone and tried a few shots but I couldn’t get any that looked like what I was actually seeing. Then I had an ah-ha moment. I have recently been trying to learn ways to live in the present, and this was the perfect opportunity. Technology was causing me to miss the moment. The sunset was most beautiful through my own eyes and if I continued looking at it through my phone screen, I would miss out altogether. I put my phone down and chose to be fully present in that moment. I chose to live! I savored the sunset with my own two eyes. What opportunities have you had lately to live in the present? You do not have to wait until January 1st to make resolutions. Any time of the year is a great time to make goals. Let us get started! 1) THINK AT THE MOUNTAIN TOP: Begin by finding a quiet place to sit and reflect with pen and paper in hand. Think about changes you would like to make in your life. Take notes as you think in the areas of physical, mental, spiritual, and social fitness. Start with large “10,000 foot” goals. 2) GET TO GROUND LEVEL: Break down the “10,000 foot” goals into smaller actions. Focus your actions on forming and establishing habits and behaviors that will serve you for a lifetime. Choose your goals and actions wisely – make sure they are things you can stick with and factor in variety and breaks. Ensure each goal has a time-activated plan associated with it. 3) LET OTHERS KNOW: Discuss your list with your loved ones. This can be a child, a friend, a spouse, a parent or a co-worker. Let them know you would appreciate their encouragement along the way. 4) ACCOUNTABILITY: Select a trustworthy reliable friend(s) and ask them if they will be your accountability partner and mentor. This will help you stay focused on your goal. 5) VISIBILITY: Print a small copy of your list and keep it in your wallet or purse. Email a copy to yourself and post a copy in a visible place in the house that you visit often. Write your action steps in your daily planner, calendar, or schedule. 6) START NOW: Start following the plan immediately. Focus on the process and take each step one at a time. 7) NO BLAME ALLOWED: Look beyond “I cannot”. Focus on “I can…” and “I am”. Do not allow yourself to blame other people or circumstances for not carrying out your steps – Identify your self-defeating behaviors and deal with them instead or continuing to do them. 8) REWARD YOURSELF: Pencil in rewards in your planner as well for when you complete steps or accomplish goals. 9) RECOMMIT: From time to time, you might fall off track with your resolution. I like this one! – Use the next Monday as the day to recommit to your goals. Allow yourself a weekly chance to get back on track with your goals. For some time, I wondered how the Live in Self initiative will assist me in my professional life. One week, I was fortunate to attend a Leadership Symposium where senior executive leaders come and share their experiences with growing into a leader and performing as a leader. An executive highlighted that the key tenet of leadership is knowing your inner self. All this time, I had been thinking that Live in Self needed to be a private endeavor of mine separate from my professional life! I was encouraged and delighted that a senior leader had encouraged us to find ourselves and to then lead through honest and authentic expressions of ourselves. Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Knowing yourself intimately means you are certain about who you are and what you stand for. It means you can state a personal vision, mission, and core values. What is the purpose for being able to state each of these? Your core values keep you grounded in your current words and actions. Your mission describes what you are doing today. Your vision describes where you are going.
In doing some research, this idea of understanding oneself can be done through a simplistic and older models such as the Johari window. When we look at the Johari method, there are four categories of self: 1) Known Self – things we know about ourselves and others know about us 2) Hidden Self – things we know about ourselves that others do not know 3) Blind Self – things others know about us that we do not know and 4) Unknown Self – things neither we nor others know about us. Having this level of self-awareness improves our understanding of our strengths. There are a number of processes and tools one can use to assist in strength identification. A recommended tool is the StrengthsFinder personality test. This can help us reflect on what our top strengths are and to begin the journey of increasing the probability for success in small and big endeavors. Some 360-degree feedback would also shed light on the hidden self or the blind self. In the process of identifying our strengths, we also by default identify weaknesses which form our blind spots as we go through life. Another senior leader emphasized that, in general, people do not change a lot throughout their lives and as a leader, we should draw on what is within people. This is congruent with the idea that we are good enough just as we are. It opposes the idea that we should waste time trying to put into people what is not already there. After we learn about our own strengths, a logical follow-on step as a leader is to learn about the strengths (and weaknesses) of people around us. When you know who you are, you can begin to look outward and empower people around you to reach their highest potential by utilizing their strengths. The process of knowing oneself, improving oneself (leading oneself), and complementing oneself (looking outward) is a marathon. I realized that the majority of highly successful people had learned early in their career about strength magnification and had been using this to propel them into experiences in which they thrived. Join me in running the course! Realize and internalize that the definition of self never stops. Defining ourselves is a lifelong dynamic process. The more we know, the better we do. As we progress through life through various levels of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual development, our sense of self will continue to be refined and matured.
Let’s walk through these levels of development/existence: PHYSICAL: Here, a person derives their sense of fulfillment and competency from positive physical achievements (i.e. sports, violence) but quickly realizes that someone who is stronger or an injury can take away this sense of fulfillment leaving one feeling weak. In college, I noticed that many athletes existed in this realm. MENTAL: Here, a person derives their sense of fulfillment and competency from successful use of their brain power but realizes over time that mental capacity can fade and smarter people can take away this sense of fulfillment leaving one feeling inadequate. We see this mental existence clearly when someone of great academic success suddenly loses their ability to be accomplished. EMOTIONAL: Here, a person derives their sense of fulfillment and competency from the love and emotional support of others, but this too can be taken away at a moment’s notice. During a breakup or in loss, we can see how much someone is defined by the emotional support of another human being. It is the prolonged reliance upon this that can be limiting. SPIRITUAL: Here, a person recognizes that personal fulfillment is realized through freedom from the world. This is sometimes referred to as enlightenment. We realize the true self does not require rationalization or justification. When you reach this stage, the natural attributes of your authentic and true self manifest in your daily experience. Many people associate spirituality with a particular religion but when you can exist through experiences that demonstrate your authentic and true self, I think you are living a spiritually charged life. It is this kind of life that transcends age and accomplishment. When you live a spiritual life, you live freely. What is an excuse?
Excuses are mechanisms to help us feel better about behaviors we need to justify, mechanisms to avoid the truth, mechanisms to avoid scrutiny, mechanisms to self-preserve while self-destructing, mechanisms to avoid situations and to relieve us of the calling to lead a responsible life and attain goals, mechanisms to tell lies and live lies, mechanisms to temporarily boost our ego by inflating our worthiness in the eyes of others while deflating personal self-worth, mechanisms to hide shortcomings, and mechanisms to put our failures in a better light. How can we recognize habitual excuse makers? Think of the people in your life who always have a reason (a self-rationalized “excuse”) why they are not succeeding or who always have a reason why their life sucks today. No one likes a habitual excuse maker. We all make excuses, but think of people who consistently find ways to psychologically and emotionally hide failure and to resist accepting defeat and taking responsibility for their actions. Habitual excuse makers define themselves by the excuses they make about why they cannot be who they want to be or do what they truly want to do. They believe that with instead of working harder, excuses will get them by. What should you do if you are a habitual excuse maker? Benjamin Franklin wrote, “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.” Being an excuse maker can be difficult to change if it has become a way of life. While it is easier to make excuses about circumstances rather than actually doing anything about them, part of growing up involves taking responsibilities for our actions and imperfections and admitting our failures. Wade Sadlier says that ““The immature person makes excuses to avoid the responsibility of his own potential”. Taking responsibility for actions and associated outcomes means entertaining the notion that you might need to rethink how you go about your life. Are you open to the possibility of necessary wholesale changes in parts of your life or do you tend to hide behind facades of excuses to shield you from personal guilt? Jordan Belfort says that “The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.” What is the “bullshit story”? It is the excuse. Do you accept performance or do you accept excuses? Be humble and open to becoming profoundly aware of your shortcomings so that you might be in a better position to achieve your full potential. Develop performance goals and develop sustained momentum to reaching those goals. Do whatever it takes, invest in yourself, and push beyond your limits. Be ready to make the change!! Most people are not ready to do the work required to change. People resist change, yet change is the only constant in life. When your life becomes so intolerable that you realize that the only way to overcome your reality is to move through life and beyond life, then you will change. In the meantime while you continue to self-perpetuate the excuse of “I’m not ready”, don’t expect friends to listen to or give credence to your bullshit story. Believe in yourself!! Most people do not believe in themselves. If you don’t believe in yourself, don’t expect friends to indefinitely believe in you. Eventually they will realize that their belief will not matter becaues you are not ready to do the work required to establish your own belief in self. Become self-reliant and trust and believe in yourself. You have the right to live your life as you envision it, and you concurrently have the right and responsibility to own your successes, failures and bullshit stories. Be willing to move!! Most people continue doing what they know. They are stuck in a place they think is comfortable because they are afraid to be vulnerable and to grow in a new situation. When others realize that you are no longer relevant in your comfort zone, you will moved forcefully. Before this happens, stretch out of the zone and maneuver through the unknown – have an exciting life NOW. It’s never as bad as it seems. Also, don’t expect to be recognized in your stagnant comfort zone. Use the tools from your new experiences to continue propelling you forward into areas where you feel stronger, more confident and more capable than you ever realized possible. What should you do if you are a friend with a habitual excuse maker? Discontinuing a bad habit of making excuses for people’s excuses. Do not accept or tolerate peoples’ poor behavior and actions that are primarily intentional and within their control. Surround yourself with quality people. John Wooden said “Never make excuses. Your friends don't need them and your foes won't believe them.” He was right – friends don’t let friends make excuses and they don’t listen to bullshit stories over and over. What do friends do for friends? Friends encourage development of clarity, confidence, courage and commitment. Friends encourage friends to become committed to changing and commitment to stop making excuses. Friends encourage friends to be clear about their life instead of living in a haze of excuses. Friends encourage friends to be confident and to find self-worth based on reality not a self-worth rooted lies and excuses. Having this commitment and clarity is key to establishing the confidence and courage necessary to plunge out of the comfort zone into a word full of possibilities where our potential can be tapped into. June 2, 2014 marked the 10th anniversary of the day I graduated from the United States Air Force Academy, and on this day, I reflected on how proud my entire class was of this accomplishment. For some, this was the biggest moment of their life! How can we remain proud or maintain a strong self-esteem after such an experience? We cannot live our entire lives in that one moment...there has to be something that we can be proud of each day.
You might be thinking that pride is a bad thing, but someone once told me that pride is the virtue of respecting oneself. Pride is a rational evaluation of self where one has done something worthy of the praise received. Here's where it gets real! A proud person often wants to continuously improve him or herself. My personal desire to improve myself motivated and propelled me to create the Live In Self Community. Here we don’t measure our achievements against anyone else’s achievements; this would be being prideful. We want you to be proud of who you are, so we encourage you to “give it 100”, give it your best, not someone else’s best. Let me offer an honest thought: Sometimes, I take for granted things that happen on a daily basis that are both ordinary and extraordinary and forget the value of experiences that I have accomplished. Sometimes, my gratitude is lacking. In daily moments of gratitude, we witness infinite levels of success in ourselves and others. While we should remember the past and be proud of experiences like a college graduation, we should also look to the present for moments to be proud of. With a sense of humility, take a look around and discover or recollect what and who you can be proud of in all dimensions of your life. Live inside out. Here are 5 tips for staying proud in the present:
Several years ago, I was at a local grocery store and had a full cart of food. I was checking out when I noticed the man behind me. He didn't wear fancy clothing and didn't look clean. He had a small basket with about 10 Hungry Man frozen meals and a few other items. I had a strange feeling inside and told the cashier to add his groceries to my bill. She relayed the news to him and his demeanor immediately changed. A small smile appeared on his face as he asked "Are you sure?" I said "I am 100% sure. Please allow me to pay for your items sir". His smile grew bigger and tears appeared in his tired eyes. "Thank you. You have given me hope in the good of people again. No one has ever done anything like this for me before", he said. I gave a warm smile, told him I was glad to help, and wished him a good evening. As I went to my new truck in the parking lot, I watched the man walk to his vehicle - a very old one with plastic duct taped in the place of some windows. He needed grace. And I needed to be reminded that I would never have too much to prevent me from lending a helping hand or demonstrating the essence and purpose of humanity - COMPASSION. If you think you are so far above the homeless or the people who have less than you financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc., you might find yourself in their position sooner than later so you can in fact discover how close you are.
We cannot seek or attain health, wealth, learning, justice or kindness in general. Action is always specific, concrete, individualized, unique. - Benjamin Jowett Most days we utter generic words of our great intentions. We are all in varying positions through which we can make a difference in people's lives. Kindness does change people. It is not a sign of weakness. You can restore someone's hope in humanity or have a powerful impact that they remember for the rest of their life. Instead of being generic about your intentions, be genuine and ACT. Here are 10 ways to keep kindness going and to be genuine.
Goethe said "Kindness is the golden chain by which society is bound together". I believe this to be true. Through kindness and compassion, we are all connected. When we act kind and feel kind towards others, we develop a certain inner happiness and peace. Living in self allows us to be at peace with our surroundings. Too often we underestimate the power of kindness and caring. IT CAN CREATE THE HOPE WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! As you go throughout your day, what if you had to speak aloud your intention for each action?
Do you dislike your intentions? Do your intentions disappoint or embarrass you? Would they disappoint others? Do your actions actually align with your intentions? Are your actions for the benefit of all? I encourage you to be clear with yourself about your intentions. Then, remember actions always beat intentions. Now, we can all probably say and reasonably justify to ourselves that all of our actions serve (or at some time) served a positive purpose. Remember that your intentions should aid you in taking greater control of your life. Without intention, you may stray anywhere. If your actions do not seem to reflect your intentions, I encourage you to find new actions that successfully achieve the positive intentions. Your truth is reflected in your actions. Be aware of your actions and acknowledge the intentions behind your actions. Try to improve your actions and intentions. Write down your intentions and demonstrate your commitment to your intentions through your actions. Is there noticeable change in your behavior over time or have you been stagnant? Use examination of self to shed light on your truths and aim to be better than you have ever been. AIM TO BE YOUR VERY BEST! Mindfulness is a hot topic amongst spiritual leaders, Western philosophers, and psychologists that is deeply rooted in Buddhist traditions. It is widely used by psychologists to positively alleviate mental and physical conditions.
What is mindfulness and is mindfulness for you? Marlatt & Kristeller define mindfulness as “bringing one’s complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis”. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as "paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally" and "the art of conscious living". Kabat-Zinn is a famous teacher of mindfulness meditation and the founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. He is sometimes referred to as the father of modern mindfulness. I recommend reading Kabat-Zinn's book titled Mindfulness for Beginners. Mindfulness for Beginners is a good primer for understanding this basic idea that is being studied in depth by many of our respected philosophers and spiritual leaders and a topic that is reported to help children and adults in EVERY aspect of their lives. Mindfulness is for everyone! AWARENESS vs. THINKING One of the things that caught me by surprise in Kabat-Zinn's book was the concept of adjusting one's default setting. The state of thinking is our default setting. Mindfulness emphasizes being aware over being lost in thought. I had never really thought how much time I spend thinking when I could be enjoying the present moment. Throughout the day, there are multiple instances when I am physically present but mentally absent and disengaged. Kabat-Zinn compares thoughts to the commentary one hears during a sporting event. The commentary reflects someone else's views and opinions of the event. The sporting event would be viewed and experienced differently without the commentary. Thoughts are the self-generated voice-over of life. Mostly these thoughts are about the past or future. Kabat-Zinn says that "thinking completely dominates our lives and colors everything we feel and do and care about". Sometimes, it is the continuous negative thought pattern reel. What if we silenced the outside and inside voices once in a while? Life could be experienced differently with an increased focus on being aware of the here and now without the often annoying, negative, and destructive voice-over. Think - is your mind full OR are you being mindful? Mindfulness is noticing when we are lost in thoughts and being aware enough to deliberately return to the present moment experience. BEING vs. DOING Mindfulness is being instead of doing; it is being present now. The state of doing is the mindless rush of the day where we multi-task from sunrise to sundown. I often spend my work day multi-tasking over 10 tasks at a time. I bounce from one task to another all day and. sometimes, I do not complete any tasks. Then I mix in social and family events/tasks with work events/tasks. The to-do list never seems to get shorter. The state of doing is the non-stop juggling of all aspects of our life all day every day. The state of being is being present for the moment of right now. It is forgetting about the to-do-list long enough to focus on a singular task in front of us. Just be. |be aware| Do you need daily reminders to be positive? Think about the places you go every day and add built-in positive reminders. If you can increase your positive thinking, then I believe positive actions are not far behind.
Here are 5 simple ideas for putting positive reminders around you: 1) You may get in your car at least twice daily. Get custom positive car license plates or a positive key chain. 2) You probably visit your bathroom and sink in your home multiple times each day. Put a positive decoration in your bathroom or near your sink. Vinyl decals are a nice low cost addition to any wall. 3) You may sit at your work desk for 8+ hours a day. Put some positive décor on your computer desktop or on your desk. 4) You probably type multiple passwords into a variety of accounts each day. Use a positive password for a reminder each time you use it. 5) You may look at your phone dozens of times each day. Put a uplifting background on your home screen and screen saver. Try getting a phone case with an uplifting message. I usually wake my son up in the morning with an energetic and fairly loud "Rise and Shine" in the hopes that he will jump out of bed enthusiastically ready for the day. What usually happens is that he rolls over slowly, peeks from under the covers with a squinty-eyed scowl and asks if he can sleep at least five more minutes. How do you wake up in the morning? Is it Rise and Shine or Rise and Whine?
As adults, our wake up routine can be far more calculated than the wake up routine of a child. How can we get from rising to shining? I offer to you that personal vectoring can help tremendously. What is personal vectoring? Personal vectoring is self dialogue intended to carry you in a specific direction. A few years ago, I started a practice of saying a daily silent prayer or statement of intention prior to opening my eyes. It goes something like this: Thank you for allowing me to rise and see another day. Thank you for the blessings you have granted me throughout my life. Thank you for the opportunities this day will offer. Help me to say positive things to people. Help me to smile and acknowledge people. Help me to be productive and open to learning. Help me to listen better and to be energetic. Help me to be progressive - to be part of solutions. Help me let go of negativity. Help me to stay focused. Now Rise and Shine Bhakti! This self dialogue can go on for one to three minutes. Then I open my eyes and go about my day. Does it help you might ask? It certainly cannot hurt. My days don't always go as planned but often this self dialogue follows me throughout the day as I interact with others and choose my reactions to my dynamic environment. While my actions are not always perfect, I have become more aware of my surroundings and my reactions and I find it easier to identify where improvement is warranted. I believe that starting the day with statements of intention is an fruitful examination and acknowledgement of self. Acknowledgement of our existence and associated gratitude as well as recognition of areas requiring improvement is healthy. It doesn't have to be out loud. Next time you wake up, try these five simple steps:
Do you notice all the little things in your lives or do they pass you by? Did you notice the world around you today? Do you walk through life in a daze feeling overwhelmed, underachieved, entitled, and unsatisfied? Do you only celebrate the big stuff? Is there anything "small" you are grateful for? Can you find a reason to celebrate right now? There are 86,400 seconds in one day. How many of those have you used to say Thank You or to express gratitude? The first step to gratitude is being present and aware. Being present allows you to experience a recurring colorful touch by life. If you are in a daze, you are unable to acknowledge or appreciate the small things or the things that are just always there. It's time to wake up. Suman Rai says "Choose happiness today by taking life moment by moment, complaining very little, and being thankful for the little things that mean a lot". I challenge you to stop and TAKE TIME today to appreciate the small things and moments that are contributing to your life. Count your blessings. START by being grateful for the ability to read this article. 1/3 of the world has no access to the Internet and over 700 million people in the world cannot read. Now, take 5-10 minutes to write a list of 15 things you are grateful for. Here's mine:
Take this list and put it in a place you go often. Revisit it when you are feeling down or dazed. Add to it too! Always be blessed and be a blessing. My name is Bhakti Mary. I grew up in Hattiesburg Mississippi - a state with the worst education system in the United States - dead last, #50 of 50. Growing up, I watched my father work as a janitor for a minimum wage $4.25 per hour for the Main Street United Methodist Church. He was the only black man to work in the church; no minorities attended the church. This week when I looked at the online gallery of the church, I saw many pictures that reflected a diverse congregation but this wasn't the case in the 80s and 90s. My mom was a stay-at-home mom. We grew up vegetarian; the word "fast food" was not in our vocabulary. We grew most of our food in a garden....a garden on part of the nearly 5 acres our 980 sq ft home built in 1952 sat on. We dug up the land by hand with the few shovels we had and planted beans, potatoes, and other vegetables every year. Today this home is not worth much money. But then, it was all we had...7 of us lived in these 980 square feet.
I really didn't like growing up and I was sad about it for a long time. If you're feeling sad about your home situation, I can certainly understand - but trust me when I say it won't last forever. Life's struggles will become greater AND life's rewards will become grander. We grew up in a manner that my father felt was right and a manner he could afford which meant no furniture, no television, no radio, no friends over to the home, no telephone conversations, no after school activities, no summer camps, no sports, no designer clothes, no nails done, no hair did, no allowance etc. My mother sewed a lot of our clothing and even other items such as backpacks. Can you imagine going to high school with clothing your mother sewed? Even though I grew up in just one state - Mississippi-, I have since travelled to 14 countries and all over this beautiful land called the United States. I am an Air Force Academy graduate. I don't run away from home any more. My home today is larger than the house I grew up in - you don't have to stay where you are today and where you are today is no guarantee of where you will be tomorrow. But you do have to be HAPPY just where you are. You have to always be life's student and you have to always move towards love. Your faith in a higher power will also certainly help you feel love and grace. My heart is as full as it has ever been and it still has room to grow. I have a handsome 9 year old son who respects his elders, expresses thankfulness, and brings a smile to the face of most people he meets. I am a divorced woman and my son knows and loves me AND his dad equally. I teach him the lessons I am going to share with you today. I share them because I care...in this moment, I take very seriously my opportunity to experience my life with you in front of me. Alright, let's talk about the lessons! WORK HARD The Bible says in Proverbs 12:11 “Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense.” Nothing replaces hard work. Consciously and deliberately develop the habit of working hard. Not everyone knows how to work hard. You can also develop the habit of working smartly. But most of us can learn to work hard before we learn to work smart. Can you think of a time when you really worked hard at something? How did it feel? A simple practice you can adopt today is to always do your homework. Don't wait until the last minute either. Do it before you play video games or watch tv. My three siblings and I did not have a college fund and none of us ever received any money from our parents after the age of 18. We had to work hard for everything we ever got. REALLY HARD! But when an opportunity came along, we didn't sit on the sideline. We got in the game - we waited in the line, we practiced hard, we looked for heroes and followed them. I may still go to a party from time to time, I may hang out with my friends - but I also have two college degrees and continue to educate myself every chance I get. I also work two jobs. I write about some of the things I am here to talk to you about today. I raise my child. I take care of a house. Life is about balance. As a child you must play, but you must also work hard. Another simple practice that will help you to work harder and more effectively is to avoid doing more than one thing at once. Don't eat and watch TV for example. Enjoy the food, and then enjoy the entertainment. What are some ways you can work harder? BE GRATEFUL. (LOVE LIFE) The Bible says in Psalms 118:24 This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it and in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 In everything give thanks. In everything...Experiencing gratitude in every present moment deepens your awareness. You have so much to be grateful for. When you think of things you can be thankful for, you will find that your mood can improve. I am thankful for this chance to share some of the most important lessons I have learned with you today. What is something you are thankful for today? I know what it's like to be that little kid searching for love - love from parents, love from friends, love from that crush...and the search will continue but there's something you need to know - it's a secret that I will share with you today. Love is inside of you - it always has been and it always will be. Everything you do is an expression of how much you love. If you succeed at loving yourself, everything will be okay. A simple practice you can adopt today is to thank God for one thing each morning before you get out of bed. What are some ways you can express your love for living? DON'T LET FEAR STOP YOU. The Bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. Don't operate out of fear and don't always take the convenient path of least resistance. Don't dodge failure. What is something you are afraid of? I have always been afraid of new opportunities. I now try to notice when my heart when it pounds a little harder out of fear, and I realize that just then, it might be time to take a chance and to be brave. A simple practice you can adopt today is to talk to your parents about something you have been afraid to talk to them about. Ask them how to be brave and how to have courage when you feel sad, fearful, or disappointed. Listen with the intention of understanding and learning. What are some ways you can overcome fear? REALIZE THAT NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING. Try not to feel entitled to anything. Entitlement is when you think that someone HAS to do something for you or give you something. Most of the things that you believe should be done for you DO NOT have to be done for you. Recognize that you must earn good deeds. The golden rule definitely applies. You cannot act out or misbehave and then expect people to respond in kindness. When have you used the golden rule? When I was growing up, I felt entitled to things other than what I had which caused me to run away from home several times and to even steal things that did not belong to me, or to demand things from my parents. Now, I have learned to appreciate the things that I have and to find gratitude. When you feel entitled to something, you are saying that you don't need to work for it. Take care of all of the things that your parents or family has worked hard for AND find something you are willing to work hard for. A simple practice you can adopt today is to start using "please" whenever you ask for anything and use "thank you" when you receive something. That something could be something as simple as a hug or a smile. What are some ways you can use the golden rule in the future? DON'T MAKE EXCUSES. No excuses. Stop right now from making excuses for your bad behavior. Just own your actions and work to do better next time. That's all people who love you want -- progress towards better choices. What is something you want to be better at? I learned the hard way that when I mess up, no one cares WHY. I just admit my mistake and learn the lesson. Someone once told me - that in every experience good or bad, there is a lesson. Focus on the lessons - use them to turn ordinary experiences into extraordinary experiences. Don't get stuck in the mistake world. Be amazing by LEARNING YOUR LESSON. A simple practice you can adopt today is to start saying the words "I will do better next time" when you get in trouble for something. Actually mean it though. What are some areas you can stop making excuses in? CONCLUSION It is my hope that you will remember this conversation in times when you feel fear, when you want to make an excuse, when you want someone to give you something, when you feel lazy or when you feel ungrateful. Life is not a box of chocolates. It is a journey where you must learn and practice good habits starting right now. One of my all time favorite phrases is "semper ad meliora". It is a Latin phrase that means "always towards better things". Surround yourself by people who encourage you to do good today and to do even better tomorrow. When my son was a toddler, my father advised me that I needed to bring him up with some religion. He emphasized that it did not matter which one as long as there was one - one that gave him something to believe in. I think what he meant was to raise him with a belief system.
Live in Self is religion neutral. While religions can certainly inform one's belief system, it is not necessary to be a part of a specific religion to have a robust and healthy belief system. Live in Self is a online community and forum where readers and contributors have an opportunity to discuss beliefs openly. A belief system is what supports you and gives you comfort; it is your belief of how you fit into the universe. The important thing is that you do not have to prove your belief system to anyone. You don't have to justify it either. Your belief system requires no template. It is unique to you. It is the steering wheel and all of the software and hardware behind it. Occasionally, you may upgrade or personalize/customize your software and hardware. Then, all you have to do is turn. If you find yourself turning in the wrong direction, just make a correction; some corrections may be slight or gradual and some may be very sudden and pronounced. A robust belief system steers you through your actions and reactions. At the core of my belief system is compassion and the golden rule. What is at the core of your belief system? Have you ever listened to the words you speak? This is what Linus Mundy suggests as Idea #20 in the book Slow-down Therapy for rediscovering time and life. It made me think - so many times I have been advised to listen to others when they speak. But there is probably equal benefit to actually listening to the words I say. Audrey McLaughlin says "When you listen, it's amazing what you can learn. When can you act on what you've learned, it's amazing what you can change." And don't we all wish to be the change?
Listening goes farther than hearing the words you speak. It also involves a self examination with the goal of truly understanding ourselves. In the book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred, Mark Nepo defines listening as "the doorway to everything that matters. It enlivens the heart the way breathing enlivens the lungs. We listen to awaken the heart...to stay vital and alive." The act of listening is difficult due to all the external and internal distractions. But I am interested into opening the door to life. Here are some benefits I think we can reap from listening to ourselves speak: - Talk Less. Listen to your words and consider whether you really need to say what you are saying. You don't like listening to BS, so be part of the solution and stop uttering it. - Talk at the appropriate tone and level. Instead of raising your voice to speak to others, go to them and then speak at a reasonable level. No one else needs to hear the conversation. Remember your tone is what usually makes people tune you out. - Speak unto others as you would have them speak onto you. As you speak, think - would I like to be spoken to this way? While this can be hard when you're in a heated or engaged discussion, take time to think after if you embodied the Golden Rule. There's always another conversation coming up during which we can listen to ourselves and learn ways to be better. Our abilities to control our emotions can TRANSFORM a day, a week, or even a year from sweet or sour. I have severed friendships, other relationships and even a marriage over what I believed to be a very controllable issue - the issue of controlling self in passion zones. In my personal life, I have found it important to NOTICE the areas which I am passionate about and the areas, things, or people which I CARE the most about. I discovered that these were the areas or "passion zones" that activated the most extreme inner emotions. They were the areas where I found myself acting out of someone's best interest or saying more than necessary or being noticeably expressive.
We all have these "passion zones" in our personal (including spiritual) and professional lives. I will describe some personal examples. Professionally, I really cared about saving the government resources, and I really cared about people being valued. When it appeared either of these were out of balance, I began to notice verbal and physical changes in myself, and on occasion, I lost self control. When I lost self control, everyone around me knew it. Everyone knows when you lose it too. Personally, I cared about my son and was willing to defend him at all costs. This created a zone of tunnel vision in which I could not see past his feelings enough to really see what was in his best interest. This resulted in a loss of my parental control, a degradation of my ability to take my parental responsibilities seriously. Spiritually, I believed in the greater good and I still do! Believing this about everyone and everything seemed misplaced at times but I have maintained this personal core belief. Let me describe this belief further. I believe that everyone is capable of pressing on to greater things. I believe I have a responsibility to encourage others to never give up on life, on their dreams, on grandiose achievements. One area that I believed would help someone to PRESS ON was knowing the truth. I grew up with a father who was always brutally honest - or so I thought. What is so brutal about honesty -- honesty can be objective and subjective and sometimes its subjectivity makes it hard to swallow. Honesty up front can be better than a stream of lies. It allows one to correct their course much earlier and propels one towards success sooner. The point is a loss of control in any area of 'self' can have predictable or unpredictable consequences. A self examination can REVEAL the circumstances driving this loss of control. Some will be self-inflicted and some will be external. If you find it to be a circumstance outside of your span of control, then change your reaction. If it is a circumstance inside your span of control, then look at the benefit of changing the situation. In the case of my work passion zone - government resource saving and person valuation, I CHOSE a two prong approach - to listen longer before speaking, and to continue valuing others (practicing what I preach). In the way of valuing others, one specific action I took was to give people the benefit of the doubt more often (this didn't always work out with my son). I chose to examine my role and the expectations of my level of involvement for each situation. This was a recurring dynamic process. I realized that not everyone needed my input and give the opportunity most people reached the same end state I desired without my inputs. Trying to relax and take deep breaths while listening in a conversation helped tremendously. I felt a hidden sense of personal accomplishment - no one knew but I was making small victories in the way of controlling SELF. In the case of my personal passion zone - my son- I chose to listen to other inputs from people I trusted and cared about. I implemented ideas of others and watched the results roll in. In most cases, I was receiving sound advice and needed the alternative opinions to fill up my parenting toolbox. No one knew it but making the tough choices sometimes made me cry or made me sad but those emotions were an afterthought as my son continued to mature. In the case of my spiritual passion zone - compassion- I continue doing a deep dive to examine how to insert compassion appropriately and frequently in my thoughts and actions. What are your 'passion zones', and how do you control your SELF in these zones? I began to think recently about what emotions I spread and what emotions I pick up from the people I interact with.
When my son was little and even now, I refer to him as Oscar (for Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street) when he is in a foul mood. He dislikes this because in my opinion, it is a sign that I recognize and acknowledge his emotion. What if our friends did this to us - identified our emotions? Would we then be more aware? The first step to being aware of what emotions we are spreading is to be aware of our current emotions and to avoid denial of emotions. I am becoming increasingly aware of how my emotions impact the people around me. This awareness also helps me understand how others' emotions are impacting me. So what are emotions? Jack Mayer describes emotions as the bridge between thoughts, feelings, and actions. Think about what is going on in your life right now. Notice the emotions you are exhibiting. There is probably a connection between the two. Do you feel fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt, or frustration? Do you feel love, compassion, joy, contentment, happiness, or acceptance? If you are struggling to identify your emotions, it is possible that you are busy suppressing them. The tell tale signs of disconnected people may be someone who ignores others feelings, someone who pretends things don't happen, someone who abuses substances such as prescription drugs, alcohol, recreational drugs, or food, someone who is compulsive and/or excessive, someone who is consistently superficial, or someone who is too busy to feel. I'm sure you could add some signs to this list as well. Whatever you are feeling should not be trapped or buried inside. Ask yourself if you operate out of fear or out of love. If you are unsure, ask a friend. Odds are they already recognize your emotions. The truth is that hiding our emotions can make us tired and depressed. We may find ourselves overreacting to minor situations, walking about with a feeling of uneasiness, unmotivated, and unaware. If you think this will not affect the people you love, think again. “The more you identify with a person, the more likely you are to catch the emotion. Much of this occurs and we are completely oblivious to it.” says John Cacioppo, Ph.D., director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago. I challenge you to be more conscious and aware of your emotions. What are you spreading? If you can access the cause of your emotions, you can avoid passing them on to people who don't deserve it. For example, if you have had a terrible day at work, you can refrain from passing it on to your children and spouse when you arrive at home. Become an expert at dissolving or diffusing your negative emotions. Try positive thinking techniques to transform into a more joyful and uplifting person. This exercise will make you more in tune with what emotions you are spreading and soon you will become someone people want to be around. Everyone faces self-doubt in varying degrees. Most people have been accumulating LAYERS of self-doubt for decades. Imagine going to the North Pole. You are outside in extremely cold temperatures, and you have dressed to stay warm which means you have layer upon layer of clothing from head to toe. Now imagine that you wear these same clothes when you sit on a St. Lucia beach. People with layers of self-doubt tend to never shed a layer no matter what circumstance they are in. Their voice-over is "I am not good enough", "I cannot do this", "I am not smart enough", "I have never done it this way", "I am not pretty enough" and so on. These voices speak throughout the day to them as they face a variety of what appear to be daunting circumstances and prevent people from "doing the work". Negative thought patterns can be difficult to purge.
When you are on that St. Lucia beach with those North Pole layers, no one can see the real you - you are hiding in what you perceive to be a safe place. The truth is that 'safe place' is downright miserable. You are uncomfortable and afraid inside. That 'safe place' is a place where your potential stays buried, your true emotions remain hidden, your friends and family remain distant, and your actions are determined by your fears. You act out of fear. Self-doubt is the fuel of fear - a fear of self! And self-doubt resides in your mind - in your thoughts. When you doubt self, you allow fear to dominate you. You dramatize situations over and over again and constantly try to encourage others to validate your fears so you can feel comfortable in the fear-dominated decisions you are making in your life. You know that you are paralyzed and are infinitely far from realizing your purpose and fulfilling your potential because the obstacles in front of you seem like they might as well be permanent. You believe this because it is safe and comfortable; change is too hard! You are always uncertain and hesitant inside. Over time, you begin to surround yourself with people like you. You doubt yourself to the point that you make decisions based on what others want for you and not what you want for yourself. By doing this habitually, you often second-guess yourself and the "self-pity" mindset becomes debilitating. “By fully experiencing and going beyond an emotional block - through the layers of doubt and fear - you experience the emotion of who you truly are.”- Stephen Richards Let me offer a new approach. In this approach, you are in control and you are responsible for yourself. 1) Begin a gratitude journal. For 30 days, decide to be consciously grateful and document this throughout your day (words, photos, receipts, etc) as you feel positive emotions. Stop drowning in self pity by focusing on what you lack - CHOOSE to focus on what you do have and what you are accomplishing and foster the feeling of gratitude. Describe why you are grateful for people and things. Write slowly and feel and savor each word. As you build this habit, expand your awareness and really experience the world you are living in. Most importantly, keep it positive. You can print shorter statements of gratitude to carry with you to reference in moments where the layers of self doubt are prominent. Continue your gratitude journal as you progress through the next steps. 2) Document the areas of self doubt and associated emotions. After you have developed the habit of identifying areas of gratitude, you're ready to start some of the hard work. Take one week to write down areas of your life where you notice that qualities like hatred, bitterness, envy, jealousy, resentment, self-pity, and suspicion (lack of trust) are present. These are the layers of self doubt. As you document the areas, be sure to write down how this affects you and how it makes you feel. This is your reaction to the layers of self doubt. 3) Set goals. Now that you have identified the areas of self doubt and the associated emotions, take another week to write down action statements to turn those areas into venues of joy, forgiveness, humor, courage, hope, and self-confidence. This is the first step to removing the layers of self doubt. Outline goals to match your action statements. This is you identifying your range of work. 4) Determine which goals you will pursue. You know what work needs be done, but are you ready for change? Take a day to go somewhere quiet and peaceful. You may have a lot of goals and pursuing them all at once can be daunting. Use this day to determine which goals to pursue. This is you identifying what work you are willing to do. 5) DO THE WORK! P.C. Cast said “I seek strength, not to be greater than other, but to fight my greatest enemy, the doubts within myself”. Doing your work is you removing the layers of self doubt. There are no excuses. If you get off track, you can always jump back on track! Remember to continue the gratitude journal. This is you filling in your new layers of self - confidence. You are on the beach in St. Lucia in a swimsuit...everyone can see you -the real you- and you're thrilled and comfortable with that. We have heard the quote love thyself. Most of us probably know someone who is really into themselves. I have noticed that these people are generally not well liked by people around them. They may be viewed as arrogant or stuck up. Upon closer examination, this viewpoint tends to originate from someone who lacks self love. People who lack self love often envy those who love themselves and find it difficult to love others. Years ago, a boyfriend thought I was becoming too attached to him for the wrong reason and he offered some helpful advice which I have never forgotten. He said "imagine that you are going to an important event. You are dressed in an exquisite dress and you are beautiful. You love the dress you have on. That is you single. Now imagine that I am an accessory such as a bracelet, pair of earrings, ring, hairpiece, etc. You are prepared to go to the party with no accessories and you love the way you look in the exquisite dress. Now choose me, your accessory. We look great together, but we also look great alone." He was emphasizing that I was not whole without him. I can now admit that I was using him to become whole, and thus, our relationship was doomed to fail. His point was, be whole without others. Then others can accompany you in life to accentuate the person you already are. If you hate the dress you are wearing to the party, there is no accessory that can make you love the dress. I have never forgotten this lesson! Since then, I have worked diligently to love myself. Believe it or not, you have to learn to love yourself first.
There were some important lessons I had to learn that I love to share: ● Make peace with your past and any painful memories. ● Recognize that can continually enjoy the present and make healthy decisions today. ● Be yourself! There is not another you and you are not someone else. BE YOU. ● Know that mistakes are good. Each setback is an opportunity to improve. Mistakes are the lessons that prepare us to optimize our potential. Love presents itself on this journey called life. When you have reached a point in life where you can love self, you have awoken. How good is that? AWAKEN and be present- love self! Recognize and accept your uniqueness. Believe in the masterpiece you are. Stop the self criticism and negative thought patterns. Know that it is good to feel confidence and to feel the ability to be able to positively contribute to your environment. The world will tell you differently! The below photo is an ad run by Selective Search where executive search meets personal matchmaking. The idea is Selective Search can find the perfect match for highly discriminating men and women. Think...you are one of billions of people surrounded by people trying to weed you out and find reasons why you are not the perfect match. Loving self is paramount. But you're probably thinking that there was more to the love thyself quote. Love thyself AND thy neighbor. I believe that those who are still working on loving themselves often struggle to love others. The negative thought patterns can infiltrate and take over. This inhibits our ability to stand on the solid ground/foundation that self love presents. Recognizing and accepting ourselves as we are is taking notice that we are not carbon copies of anything. We are each beautifully unique in our own regard. Love who you are and love who others are. JUST BE! Accept others and allow them to just BE. Part of mental fitness is the process of putting positive balanced thoughts into your mind. Sometimes we find this difficult to do if our subconscious has been conditioned to thinking according to negative thought patterns. The recognition that we might have faulty thinking and belief patterns programmed into our subconscious can be a difficult realization. Think of the subconscious mind as the habit mind where all positive and negative habits are stored. These habits were programmed beginning with the day we were born. You may have 18 years of negative programming from your childhood or several years of negative programming from the use of an addictive substance or a bad relationship. If you do not take control of your habit mind, then you are choosing to let others control you.
Make a conscious choice to transmit and receive positive energy. For a period of 30 days, take steps to push the negative thoughts out of your mind by giving attention and focus to positive thoughts or positive affirmations. Continually disregard thought patterns described in How to Identify Negative Thought Patterns. Starve negative thoughts of attention and focus. Refuse your normal/old self. If necessary, focus on one thought pattern at a time and ensure you are not replacing the removal of that pattern with the introduction of another negative thought pattern. Consistency is one of the key factors for reprogramming/retraining the subconscious mind. Some of the most common ways of achieving increase positive thinking are:
Frank Outlaw said, "Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny." Everything begins with your thought and the thoughts of others. Turn the tide inside your head today! Being aware of the energy you bring into the world can be achieved through thought observation. Thoughts drive actions in most cases. If you watch your thoughts which shape your mental state, you will realize that your thoughts form patterns that run through your mind throughout the day while applied to a variety of scenarios and situations.
When we find ourselves in a negatively charged situation, the natural and most common thing to do is to assign blame. By embracing "live in self", we can begin to look within and observe self. We own the energy we bring into the world and take responsibility for it. Own your energy. Negative thought patterns can be the foundation of unhappiness for ourselves and the people who surround us. Consider whether your attitude towards life is stopping you and others from bringing positive energy to any situation. To change the negative thought patterns most of us apply to life, we must first be aware of what they are:
Now that you have identified what some of your negative thought patterns are, consider how continuing this type of thinking can negatively impact the people you interact with and how your actions might cause them to spiral into their own negative thought patterns or might bring them down. Do you know someone who defines themselves by what they do? Does their career or personal accomplishments or failures make them happy or sad? Do you know someone who wallows in sorrow at the first sign of difficulty, challenge, or hurdle? If they cannot succeed at work, do they take it out on their spouses or friends or children when they come home? Are you that person? Am I that person?
At a marriage conference called Life to Remember, the audience was encouraged to do something very important - Value Who You Are, Not What You Do. Luckily I was a part of this audience and I heard the message loud and clear. Hear the message loud and clear. We cannot anticipate the certainty of difficulties and problems nor can we always respond properly to them or guarantee control of results from our actions. I have a small Post-It Note at work filled with short three word reminders to keep me grounded. One reminder says - Let go of results. This means that to begin each day with who I am. Socrates said, "Man, know thyself." I assess myself. I perform work throughout the day based on who I am - I do the best that I can. I work from my soul - the center of my being - the inner me. After that, regardless of what happens, I let go of the results. I treat each day as a learning laboratory. The results do not dictate happiness or sadness - the person I am dictates that. Has anyone ever told you after a negative event - "Don't beat yourself up? They are saying let go of results - you are not your results. I encourage you to begin to live in self. This means using our responses to results to draw us closer to our true self. Show who you are. Be defined by who you are. Be remembered for the type of person you were - not the job you did. At any funeral I have ever attended, the message is usually either about "who someone was" or "what someone did". If the message was primarily about "what someone did", it is because no one remembered or knew "who they were". Maintain emotional consistency by developing a sound inner foundation. View challenges, successes and failures as opportunities to build on, refine, or develop your inner self. Start to value who you are. Ask yourself the following important questions: Who am I? What is important to me? How do I respond to failure? How do I respond to success? Does my job define me? How do people describe me? By my results only? How would I describe myself? Do failures and successes define me? Do I live in self? What life experiences challenge you or prevent you from knowing who you are? How do you overcome them? |
Ms. Bhakti MaryI am an optimistic, positive, generous and driven author who is passionate about self-improvement. The essence of who you are does not lie in the past. What matters is what you are willing to do NOW. You are the presence.
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