Alabama Shakes “Over My Head” reflected how he felt about me and how I felt about him. If you ever honestly been in love, this captures the passion, intensity, ease, insecurity, uncertainty, beauty, thrust, overwhelming, desire, compromised, exposed, chaotic melody that it truthfully is. 

As the lyrics go, "I'm in over my head.  I don't think of you as bits and pieces.  I think of you only like a miracle.  Lovin' so deeply...I feel it through all my past lives.  It feels good, I'm never saying goodbye."

We were always in over our heads from the beginning and the way I felt about him could have lasted for every lifetime I ever had and I never ever wanted to let go in my spirit.  I held closely and harnessed this love feeling as often as I could.  No one could take away all the love I ever got from him.  I want to be buried under this love.  

There’s nothing I find (or at least I think I find) more attractive than someone who cares about themselves.  I don’t mean this in a narcissistic kind of way – but someone who works out, someone who eats on a regular schedule, someone who thinks about what they eat, someone who schedules self-care time into their schedule.  When they do this for themselves, it opens them up to encourage you to do the same. 

​The truth is that the obesity epidemic and the greed mentality has driven our level of self care to the gravestone.  We hide behind our fat. It becomes a layer underneath which we cannot see a way to pull back on our old habits which we unknowingly formed by using food as an emotional crutch or just simply eating too much of a bad thing the food industry sold us – the addiction that food has become. It is important to guard against unnatural things that become addictions – gambling, eating processed foods, etc. 

I am so mad at the universe or whoever you call the divine being who orchestrates the happenings of the world. I am furious that I was not afforded the opportunity and the capability to find and participate in love at a young age.  No one I ever deeply loved, loved me back the same way in an enduring fashion.

The amount of heartbreak I had endured by my early 30s was astounding and the amount of myself I had given paled in comparison. By my mid 30s, I was empty and hopeless and looked on with envy as friends described their love smitten relationships.  Even in my 30s I found myself wondering why not me – why don’t I deserve the 20 yr kind of love?  Is it a figment of my imagination – 5% of all relationship that most of us won’t ever achieve? 

And I knew so many people who were in my same boat – getting divorced, divorced, heartbroken, and searching endlessly.  I didn’t believe in marriage or even monogamy and despised the jealousy and insecurity the ideas brought to relationships.  I didn’t want to ‘belong’ to anyone and wanted no one to possess my heart solely.  The thought of my eggs going into one basket was terrifying – a pattern that had never paid off for me.  I sought the very thing I hadn’t dreamed of – the thing that wasn’t advertised – short term flings, fun encounters without strings attached because it was the strings that when stretched, knotted and cut hurt the most. 

​I didn’t want to get too deep into who I was – I didn’t feel like I needed to, as it was in these surface relationships that I could experiment, try new things, live on the edge without someone seemingly permanent feeling like their position was threatened.  I enjoyed the fly by moment life without the baggage and strings that would have been avoided had I found that love at a young age and skirted around all the heartbreak I would suffer at the hands of many many men.