Being everything for someone or multiple people can sometimes feel like being the nothing for yourself. Do you know someone who is empty and abuses the meaning of love is selfless and the meaning of love is not selfish? They stretch it to mean you will also have to make up for all the areas they have failed to do the work in. You may notice that this person is always unhappy no matter what you do. They seem unfulfilled and always left wanting more. Is it you?
So see, when you are alone sometime, ask yourself - who am I? What makes me happy? What about myself am I unhappy about? Answer the questions relative to you - not anyone else. Then establish an action you can take to address your area of unhappiness. You may need to write several actions for more than one area. For example: I am a beautiful, confident, intelligent, and determined woman. I am happy when I take walks. I am not happy when I don't take a little time for myself. I will schedule time outs for myself for at least one hour per week. Put yourself in the driver's seat. You could have said - I am a wonderful wife and mother. I am happy when I spend time with my husband. I am not happy when my coworker tries to boss me around. I will find a new job. But that's too relative. Take control back and do the work. No one can replace the lack of self love. Sometimes I feel like running away from everything good. Some days my vision doesn't extend past my singular thought. The responsibility is too big - too grand for my comprehension most days. My to-do lists keep getting rewritten. I keep coming to the edge of missing deadlines. The bills stack up and the spending bleeds. I hide. Everything is on the edge of falling over. It's a real game of Jenga where you try to pull something out to see what happens to me. You ask me to prioritize things differently because it will make you feel better about my choices. You make yourself feel better. My existence motivates some and disgusts others. I choke on my history and admire it too. My confidence rises and I push my insecurities down to my feet. In painful moments, I crush them. I stand tall in the midst of doubters because you have no idea where the veil is or how think it is. I am in your blind spot. You see my reflection.
I do not lie but I do not tell. The judgment comes from those closest when trouble walks through the door. The thought of my offspring suffering bothers me most. But it bothers others in a way that makes them question my best. I own my best but it is a derivative of everyone I have encountered passively or actively. My best is not your best but you mind my business so you judge me. Why don't you just take my hand, join me in honesty about your struggles, your vulnerabilities, and your TRUTH? In the midst of all of this, your confidence can still rise to the top and we can walk instead of run. We cannot race to the finish because that point is unknown. We can walk steadily moment by moment in the open knowing that even if judgment points in our direction, our best moment is now. No my best moment is now and you must mind your own business lest you run and miss your own best moment. In Lean In: Women, Work, and The Will To Lead, Sheryl Sandberg discusses seeking and speaking our truth. She expresses hope that someday the expression of authentic emotion can in fact identify natural leaders. Recently, I took a break from writing because I was afraid to write about the experiences I had been having. Even in the workplace I was afraid to discuss them. Coworkers and friends saw me teared up for many days over the past two months and inquired why. There were times where I either broke down or came close to doing so when I normally would not have.
At this point, what I am willing to say is that someone close to me passed away and someone close to me desired to die. In the two months that I experienced these two very serious things, I also gained a promotion at work, watched a good friend get married, another friend had a baby, a niece was on the verge of arrival, I continued the best relationship of my life, and enjoyed a 10 day vacation (just to name a few positive experiences). We often hear others say that life is about balance and while I believe that to be true, sometimes experiences remove that balance for a period of time. Are we more vulnerable to judgment when we are off balance? Absolutely. What most people are not willing to admit is that the line between our personal and professional lives is often blurred. We are encouraged to keep them separate and to not be vulnerable at work. I was encouraged when I read about choosing authenticity over perfection and showing up with your whole self. To build meaningful relationships with other human beings, we have to share the meaningful parts of ourselves. We must be empathetic, honest, and vulnerable. Barbara Kingsolver says that "the very least you can do in your life is to figure out what to hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope". I hope that I can continue to exist in places of vulnerability without judgement. I hope that the whole me can show up most of the time and be accepted. I hope that I am able to share the most meaningful parts of myself with benefit to myself and others. I hope that my authentic communication and my truth makes me the natural leader I long to be and that all of my efforts serve to positively benefit others. The society we live in is largely unforgiven...it is a society that wants people to live in their past of wrongs forever...to continuously suffer until the day they die. But the truth is that most wrongs/mistakes are not even known or admitted. And none of us deserve to suffer for a lifetime as a result of our wrongs. We all deserve a chance at our redemption so that anyone who should make a mistake has hope of still creating a better version of themselves.
We never ask ourselves - what did that person experience that contributed to that mistake? That never matters...all that seems to matter is that they made the mistake. The story of Shaka Senghor highlights what is within the realm of the possible for the majority of people who have made a mistake. I myself am unwilling to admit all the mistakes I have made. So, who am I to judge others whose mistakes are in the open? Shaka describes solitary confinement as an experience that will literally crush the human spirit. Think about the ways you crush the human spirit. What drives this behavior? Is it laziness, selfishness, greed, fear, the need for control? Should we be more willing as a society to give others a clean slate or a second chance? If you believe in forgiveness or you believe in God being the ultimate judge, then why do you support the practice of peoples' mistakes being penned into their lives for an eternity so that a mistake made in a period of seconds crushes their spirit for years, even decades over and over again? Does it have to get PERSONAL for us to care about changing this status quo? Or is it easier to just look for a way out to say that people who make mistakes don't deserve the same chances we are afforded? Read about Shaka Senghor's life - read his testimony - open your eyes - challenge your perspective. While watching Nightline, I watched a segment on the website about www.wherewhitepeoplemeet.com. It got me thinking of how I met my ex-fiance. It was on the dating website Plenty of Fish. On this site, you can filter matches based on religion, body type, race, age, sexual orientation and other factors. Many people turn to online dating to find love nowadays. It may not be your style, but it does work for many people. After four years of dating, I realize now that perhaps it was that initial filtering that made us incompatible - those things I had established filters with weren't actually important to me, but they remained emphasis items throughout that relationship. Even when the initial signs of incompatibility were present, I still went back for more - more control, negativity, depression, judgment, etc.
Without any connection to these men, I decided to initiate online contact in an effort to find love purely based on a filter and photos. Now I know that for me, establishing a connection and then pursuing love based on that connection is best. With some mistakes made, some self compassion administered, a long transition and some lessons learned, I moved forward with my life. A break up doesn't have to set you back - it can launch you forward. I learned that from previous relationships. Today, I am with someone who makes me very happy and I didn't use a filter to find him. I knew him for several years prior to dating him and had a connection outside of romanticism. He would have never been included in the filter I had established before...not one of the 100s of men that I searched through online to find "true love". After a year of dating, we have a high degree of compatibility for many reasons that cannot simply be detected by a filter. For that, I am joyful and grateful. Replace the fear of the unknown with curiosity which is the beginning of discovering and knowing the truth. Have an appetite for seeking and wondering.
My curiosity throughout my life has taught me so many lessons and brought me so much joy. Do not lose your inner kid spirit. As you live each day, look for signs, paths, off ramps, shortcuts, scenic routes, and newly paved roads. You do not have to just stay on the straight and narrow path. Trust the timing of unlikely events. Do not be afraid to go off the normal highway; you never know what you might find. Do the work all along to prepare yourself for the good and bad that could happen and take acceptable risks. Much of my inspiration to write and share with others can be traced back to my rural Mississippi roots. Hearing the story of Oseola McCarthy in the 9th grade was memorable. I hope it will inspire you as much as it inspired me to work hard. The article below is from The Philanthropy Hall of Fame.
Oseola McCarty was born into the world in 1908, and it was a raw start. She was conceived when her mother was raped on a wooded path in rural Mississippi as she returned from tending a sick relative. Oseola was raised in Hattiesburg by her grandmother and aunt, who cleaned houses, cooked, and took in laundry. As a child, Oseola would come home from elementary school and iron clothes, stashing the money she earned in her doll buggy. The three women relied completely on each other, and when the aunt returned from a hospitalization unable to walk, Oseola dropped out of sixth grade to care for her, and take up her work as a washerwoman. She never returned to school. “Work became the great good of her life,” explained one person who knew her. “She found beauty in its movement and pride in its provisions. She was happy to have it and gave herself over to it with abandon.” McCarty herself put it this way: “I knew there were people who didn’t have to work as hard as I did, but it didn’t make me feel sad. I loved to work, and when you love to do anything, those things don’t bother you. . . . Sometimes I worked straight through two or three days. I had goals I was working toward. That motivated me and I was able to push hard. . . . Work is a blessing. As long as I am living I want to be working at something. Just because I am old doesn’t mean I can’t work.” And hers was not a standard-issue job. McCarty scrubbed her laundry by hand on a rub board. She did try an automatic washer and dryer in the 1960s, but found that “the washing machine didn’t rinse enough, and the dryer turned the whites yellow.” After years of boiling clothes and then doing four fresh-water rinses, that wasn’t good enough to meet her high standards. The machine was almost immediately retired, and she went back to her Maid Rite scrub board, water drawn from a nearby fire hydrant, and 100 feet of open-air clothesline. Asked to describe her typical day, McCarty answered: “I would go outside and start a fire under my wash pot. Then I would soak, wash, and boil a bundle of clothes. Then I would rub ‘em, wrench ‘em, rub ‘em again, starch ‘em, and hang ‘em on the line. After I had all of the clean clothes on the line, I would start on the next batch. I’d wash all day, and in the evenin’ I’d iron until 11:00. I loved the work. The bright fire. Wrenching the wet, clean cloth. White shirts shinin’ on the line.” This extraordinary work ethic, pursued straight through to her retirement at age 86, apparently produced results her customers appreciated. In 1996, Hattiesburg businessman Paul Laughlin wrote that “I know one person who still has several shirts that were last cleaned almost two years ago by Miss McCarty. He says that he does not intend to wear them; he just takes them out periodically to look at them and to enjoy the crisp fabric and its scent.” McCarty, concludes Laughlin, was a walking object lesson “that all work can be performed with dignity and infused with quality.” “Hard work gives your life meaning,” stated McCarty. “Everyone needs to work hard at somethin’ to feel good about themselves. Every job can be done well and every day has its satisfactions. . . . If you want to feel proud of yourself, you’ve got to do things you can be proud of.” Shortly after she retired, McCarty did something that made many Americans very proud of her. She had begun to save almost as soon as she started working at age eight. As the money pooled up in her doll buggy, the very young girl took action. “I went to the bank and deposited. Didn’t know how to do it. Went there myself. Didn’t tell mama and them I was goin’.” “I commenced to save money. I never would take any of it out. I just put it in. . . . It’s not the ones that make the big money, but the ones who know how to save who get ahead. You got to leave it alone long enough for it to increase.” Of course that requires self-control and modest appetites. “My secret was contentment. I was happy with what I had,” said McCarty. These sturdy habits ran together to produce McCarty’s final secret. When she retired in 1995, her hands painfully swollen with arthritis, this washerwoman who had been paid in little piles of coins and dollar bills her entire life had $280,000 in the bank. Even more startling: she decided to give most of it away—not as a bequest, but immediately. Setting aside just enough to live on, McCarty donated $150,000 to the University of Southern Mississippi to fund scholarships for worthy but needy students seeking the education she never had. When they found out what she had done, over 600 men and women in Hattiesburg and beyond made donations that more than tripled her original endowment. Today, the university presents several full-tuition McCarty scholarships every year. "I can’t do everything. But I can do something to help somebody. And what I can do I will do." Like a lot of philanthropists, McCarty wanted the satisfactions of giving while living. And she succeeded. The first beneficiary of her gift, a Hattiesburg girl named Stephanie Bullock, was president of her senior class and had supportive parents, but also a twin brother, and not enough family income to send them both to college. With her McCarty Scholarship, Bullock enrolled at Southern Miss, and promptly adopted McCarty as a surrogate grandmother. Like a lot of philanthropists, McCarty felt a powerful impulsion to act in her home region. When asked why she picked Southern Miss, she replied “because it’s here.” The campus (though she had never visited) was located just a couple blocks from her home. Prior to making her gift, Oseola’s one long trip had been to Niagara Falls. Here is her recollection: “Law, the sound of the water was like the sound of the world comin’ to an end. In the evening we spread blankets on the ground and ate picnic dinners. I met people from all over the world. On the return trip, we stopped in Chicago. I liked it, but was ready to get back home. I missed the place where I belonged—where I was needed and makin’ a contribution. No place compares to the piece of earth where you have put down your roots.” Like a lot of faithful philanthropists, Oseola McCarty was forgiving. Reminded that the university she was giving her money to had been white-only until the 1960s, she answered with equanimity: “They used to not let colored people go out there. But now they do. And I think they should have it.” Like a lot of philanthropists, Oseola McCarty had a strong and virtuous character and good habits. She lived frugally, walking almost everywhere, including more than a mile to get her groceries. When she stayed in a hotel for the first time after coming to public attention, she made the bed before checking out. In addition to the dignity of work, McCarty’s satisfactions were the timeless ones: faith in God, family closeness, and love of locale. One friend described McCarty’s faith as “as simple as the Sermon on the Mount, and as difficult to practice.” She was baptized at age 13, dunked in a local pond while dressed all in white (a mixed blessing for someone who washed her clothes by hand). “I start each day on my knees, saying the Lord’s Prayer. Then I get busy about my work,” McCarty told one interviewer. “You have to accept God the best way you know how and then He’ll show Himself to you. And the more you serve Him, the more able you are to serve Him.” “Some people make a lot of noise about what’s wrong with the world, and they are usually blamin’ somebody else. I think people who don’t like the way things are need to look at themselves first. They need to get right with God and change their own ways. . . . If everybody did that, we’d be all right.” Like a lot of philanthropists, Oseola McCarty knew that giving is its own pleasure. When a journalist from People magazine asked her why she didn’t spend the money she’d saved on herself, she answered with a smile that thanks to the pleasure that comes from making a gift, “I am spending it on myself.” “I am proud that I worked hard and that my money will help young people who worked hard to deserve it. I’m proud that I am leaving something positive in this world. My only regret is that I didn’t have more to give.” Like a lot of philanthropists, McCarty hoped to inspire others to similar acts. And she did. In addition to the local outpouring that more than tripled her endowment, cable TV mogul Ted Turner decided to donate a billion dollars to charity after hearing her story. He was quoted in the New York Times saying, “If that little woman can give away everything she has, then I can give a billion.” And like a lot of philanthropists, Oseola McCarty knew she didn’t have to save the whole world. She cast her buckets down and fixed what was at hand. “I can’t do everything. But I can do something to help somebody. And what I can do I will do.” Recently at a lunch to celebrate Black History Month, a choir sang a simple but powerful song by Israel Houghton "Going to Another Level".
The lyrics are minimalist: I'm going to another level. Don't stop reaching. Keep believing. Come on. We're going to another level. Don't stop pressing for your blessing. Come on. We're going to another level. Gotta keep pressing on. It got me thinking...what if this was my response to life? What if I encouraged everyone, those for me and those against me, to take it to the next level? The next level is subjective for everyone, but the point is that we can encourage one another to make progress towards positivity. This might require some work on our part...we may have to work hard to get to the next level. But sometimes, a little encouragement is exactly the boost we need. Sometimes a little constructive criticism is the boost we need. It is about using WHATEVER you are given to advance yourself for the better. This is not a selfish act but rather a selfless act. No one may ever recognize your improvements but you have to keep pressing on, keep believing in yourself, and keep reaching. Say it and mean it - I am going to another level. The pufferfish is the second most poisonous vertebrate in the world. Some organs of the fish, such as the liver, are extremely toxic, and can be deadly. The poison in the fish, known as tetrodotoxin, can cause numbness, high blood pressure, and muscle paralysis, which is what leads to death as the diaphragm muscles become paralyzed, disabling breathing.
Pufferfish cannot be found in the United States but many in Korea as well as Japan find some parts of the fish to be delicacies (as fugu). Why am I writing about pufferfish? Some people in our lives are pufferfish. No matter how we treat them, they will be toxic to us. They will numb us, paralyze us, and can even kill us. We simply lack the patience for processing them or cannot learn the proper technique. Do not be afraid to let these people go. You may have caught them on accident but rest assured, there is someone in the world who will be happy to consume them - they will even consider that person to be a "delicacy", the "one", the "best". You do not have to keep struggling. We do not all have the time to specially process the pufferfish. Let someone else exhaust themselves through the careful processing of the pufferfish and present them as the perfect delicacy. No needs to point out how close to toxicity those are who deal with the pufferfish are on a daily basis. Everyone knows it. Even in its beautiful state below, the puffer fish is in the shape of a Chrysanthemum, otherwise known in Japanese culture as the symbol of death. In 2008, Lance DeViney said to me "Bhakti...well, despite how things might have been going, you often had a great smile and were a breath of fresh air."
It is amazing how quickly the compliments of others can fade away. Life starts to happen and someone comes into life and chases away the memories that should sustain us forever. It is true. There are so many people whose memories have lasted with me and this was not one until I looked back at some early Facebook posts. One good thing social media can do for us is create a time capsule of memories - good and bad of what others said to us and what we said to others. It has been over 8 years since I have seen or talked to Lance DeViney, a experienced and respected engineer in my professional career field. Looking back on his simple words made me smile. During a period of my life when I was stationed overseas for the first time, newly married, extremely far from home, a new mother, learning a new job, achieving a masters degree amongst other new and strange things, I learned many hard lessons and I still managed to thrive. I always believed in the possibility of today and tomorrow. This same spirit has carried me through some tough times - some self imposed and others simply endured. It is the idea that we keep trying no matter what. Regardless of what is going on or what has happened or what is about to happen, find a way to always learn and be excellent. Harness your meraki and find a way to survive and to live to thrive in another moment. Never give up! When life is off balance, it is hard to enjoy it. Sometimes just the smallest action can reset things. More often than not, we refuse to awaken and act and then wonder why things have generally stayed the same or gotten worse. Tipping the balance in a positive direction requires mindfulness, self analysis and ego dismissal. Begin your balancing act now. In this moment, be more awake, aware, and unafraid than you have ever been. Look around you and assess your surroundings with clarity. Recognize whether someone or something is part of the solution or part of the problem. Then act. Time is of the essence....victims are dismissed, warriors welcome!
In Chapter 3 of Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg discusses the levels of likeability experienced by successful women. Unfortunately for most women, achieving great success comes at a cost to likeability. But as Mark Zuckerberg told Sheryl Sandberg in her first review "If you do please everyone, you aren't making enough progress". What is important to you? How do you define success? Will being liked hold you back? Women temper their professional goals so they can be liked by others. They question abilities they have worked hard to develop and they doubt the achievements they have earned as a result of their abilities. Can women be both nurturing and competent? I argue that the role of nurturing may be applicable in the home but in the professional realm, competency is what should really count. Our minds are not programmed to separate the two. How do you perceive a successful woman? What does she wear? What does she say? What does she do at work? At home? Do you like her or resent her? One thing is certain. To increase our chances of success, we must develop the requisite competency and we must do the job. We must use criticism to motivate and correct our path. We must be open to jumping, taking risks, seizing opportunities, and creating opportunities around ourselves. In Chapter 2 of Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg discusses the most common reaction of women to praise: self-doubt. Self-doubt is a form of self-defense. We doubt ourselves so we can beat others to the punch and so we can increase the odds of being liked. We shy away from praise due to feelings of guilt about the accomplishments we have worked so hard to achieve.
The #NowBelieveIt video shows how to respond differently and confidently to praise. Instead of underestimating ourselves, we can choose to believe the praise being offered and use it to propel us even further. As women, we tend to attribute failure to a lack of ability and credit success globally. We have to learn to assess our abilities in a realistic manner Credit women for their achievements instead of always looking for all the external contributing factors. Guide yourself with an affirmation: I believe in my skills and abilities. Although I face scenarios that may stretch my capabilities, I am not always headed in a negative trajectory. My success comes from hard work. It also comes from help from others. I am grateful to those who give me opportunities and support me. I believe in myself! I will welcome those who encourage, promote and champion me and I will demonstrate this behavior towards others. Challenge the notion that you are always headed in a negative trajectory. Be confident in taking risks and put yourself forward. Sit at the table! I am thankful to no longer be surrounded by chronic and destructive criticism. Looking back, constantly expending energy to protect my self esteem was exhausting over the years. Now I am free to pursue acts of compassion, happiness, self-love, and connections with positive friends and family. (2016 self realization)
Now how did I come to be in a place where I had to protect my self esteem and where negativity was a daily part of my life? In my particular situation, I was romantically involved with an individual who was chronically critical and judgmental towards himself and others. I am not here to rehash all the ways he exhibited this behavior; generally it seemed that fault finding was his behavioral pattern. I am here to learn from this experience and share those lessons with you. In order to sustain a happy life, you must establish and then protect your self esteem. I had to protect my self esteem during these difficult times. Everyone must protect their self esteem from the judgment that you and others impose provided they have established a sound and positive foundation of self. At the time, I thought I had a healthy self esteem but upon further examination, I had some work to do to attain an optimal level of self love. Once I was no longer in this relationship, I felt free to be myself. Why did I stop being myself? In so many ways, I was trying to please someone else. While this can be an important mission, there is balance between pleasing someone and losing yourself. In order to feel good about ourselves, we have to stop the habitual criticism of self and others. This can be difficult if we are closely involved with someone who exhibits this behavior. Incidentally, this guy also thought that others were always criticizing him or looking down on him. This is what he did to others and it was not true that everyone criticized him, or berated him, or wanted to somehow destroy him. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." But that is easier said than done. Some of us learned as children to reaffirm what people told us about ourselves. If our parents criticized us all the time, we then thought what they said was true and perhaps that habit has migrated to adulthood without you actually realizing it. Make negative (nonconstructive criticism) irrelevant to your self-esteem. There is a reason it is called "self" "esteem". You must build yourself up! Every day, someone certainly can make us feel small but we must strive to stop the permanent endorsement of negative labels and judgments. Stop watching others and critiquing them! Stop enabling others to exhibit this behavior towards you. If you exhibit this behavior towards yourself, commit to changing. Insert a compliment for every criticism until you break the bad habit. Certainly use constructive criticism and sound advice to become your best self. Surround yourself with people who drive you to be your very best. Don't be naive to the patterns in those you choose to surround yourself with. You can do this any number of ways but I recommend writing as an effective way to remember experiences and to connect the dots. What happens when you are excited to embark on a journey and your family does not support you or even encourage you?
Your family and closest friends are the people you count on to be there for you no matter what. But sometimes, we have to take some personal steps and do things a little bit differently when we are embarking on a new and positive journey. 1) FIND A LIKE MIND. Seek out someone who is already doing what you want to do and ask them to be a mentor or adviser. At some point, this may turn into a friendship, but initially it just helps to talk to someone who knows what you are trying to do and can relate to it. They can be that positive sounding board you are looking for. 2) CHECK YOUR REACTION. Examine how you react to this lack of support and strengthen your inner core (your mind). Find a positive way to process the lack of support such as meditation, working out, etc. Remember you can't control their response but you can control yours! You will emerge a stronger person if you can negative inputs into positive outputs. 3) HONOR YOUR INTENTION. Write your thoughts down. By the time you are done writing, you will be in a better space to move forward. This also allows you to track the trends in someone's behavior towards you and your reaction to their behavior. Finally always write an intention for going forward at the end of each entry and try to keep this intention in mind for future interactions. 4) EMPOWER YOURSELF. Be decisive. Sometimes friends or family feel the need to help you make a decision and this can be confused with just supporting you. How many times have you told someone something and you just want them to listen instead of trying to always provide advice? Just make a decision and then discuss your decision. Make it abundantly clear what path you are on. 5) ELEVATE YOUR UNDERSTANDING. Try to understand why the person is behaving the way they are. It may have nothing to do with you and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can frame their perspective as it relates to your journey. As a part of this, reflect on why you desire their support and if you really need it. Is a lack of self-love driving your need for support from others? Ask the hard questions. This understanding can help you change your approach to the important people in your life. Have you ever felt a sense of guilt when you accomplished something? It is the feeling that people are going to look at you with jealousy or with some sort of disdain due to your recent success. This feeling is usually followed by the act of downplaying your success. The fear of failure is often discussed more than the fear of success. Let's ask the difficult questions. Will success make me less likeable? Will I be unable to find someone to love me once I become too successful? Will the ones that love me now be intimidated by my success? Am I worthy of success? Do I fear the thing that I want? Will people want or expect more from me when I become successful? First, success is relative to you. You define your success. The act of comparative thinking is never good. When we compare ourselves to others, we cannot help but be dissatisfied. I once dated a guy who was always comparing my accomplishments to his and other's accomplishments to his and as a result, he always felt inadequate. There was nothing I could do about it. Even when I tried to celebrate with him a success he had achieved, it was always overshadowed by a comparison to someone else. At the same time, every time I had an opportunity to achieve something that required his buy-in or support, this boyfriend was the first to find a reason why I should not take the first step. After a while, it became an exhausting exercise in ego boosting. As a victim of comparative thinking by yourself and by others, your success becomes downplayed or envied, not celebrated. Yes, it is true that when you do achieve personal success, some of your relationships will change. But you worked hard for your success. If those around you are unhappy about your success, that is their problem. Be present in your success and enjoy it. Even feel free to share your success with others guilt free. The right person will feel motivated by your accomplishments, not intimidated or inadequate. Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy. - Guillaume Apollinaire In January 2016, I had an opportunity to visit a veterans' hospital. This turned out to be a rather thought-provoking experience for me. Some of the veterans that I visited with were completely mentally present and others were barely hanging on for life it seemed. Some could move about freely while others required a wheelchair. Some had all their limbs and others did not. Some simply rested during the visit and others talked. I wondered for a minute if I might end up somewhere like this when I got old.
The truth is the degree of quality with which we age and the speed at which we age is a big unknown. This reality further emphasizes living in the present. I sat for a long time next to a retired Lieutenant Colonel. I thought that while at one point, he had a lot of command and power, now he was living at a veterans' hospital with little possession surrounded by fellow veterans barely able to talk or move about. Some of the veterans had not served until retirement, but nonetheless, they had served and were afforded the same care as him. They all ate the same food and they all talked to the same people. At the end, we all must die and this is a profound equalizer. The manner in which we age may in fact bring us to the realization that we are better than no other human being sooner rather than later. When we are stripped of the ability to communicate in an articulate manner, walk, run, write, etc, what will we do? Each day is truly a gift. Perhaps we can learn this lesson earlier in life and treat people as we felt compelled to treat these veterans in their last days - with compassion and gratitude. Shaun T. says in his famous Insanity workouts that "this is not a game; you have to dig deeper". Those words resonated with me and here is why.
We avoid conversations about fitness because they are uncomfortable. If we talk about it, we don't do anything about it. We avoid calling our eating and drinking habits addictions that we cannot break away from. We avoid working out because we might hurt ourselves. We hurt ourselves because we are overweight or out of shape. When we hurt one muscle we stop working out all together using one hurt muscle as an excuse to let every other muscle lie conveniently dormant. I have done it. We have all done it. There are so many spoken and unspoken excuses we have all used. We avoid working to become healthy individuals because it is inconvenient and unpopular. We are willing to let people influence our health who will not pay our medical bills or even take care of us when we get sick. We do this at the expense of the people who will share the cost of our medical bill and take care of us when we are sick or lose us prematurely because of our health conditions. We sit around and eat happily and drink heavily around groups of people - friends, colleagues, business acquaintances, and even strangers because eating healthy is the unpopular choice. Why don't we have the will power to make a different choice to embrace a healthy lifestyle even when it is unpopular because it is in our best interest and in the best interest of mankind? It is time to stop making excuses. Dig deep. Be unpopular and change the mindset of your circle. I admire people who work out and people who try to eat healthy. I understand how difficult it can be and believe that they deserve to be admired, not envied. I have a lot of friends who are focused on their weight for better or for worse. I have tried for a long time to listen to and understand their struggles. In 1999, I applied for entry into the Air Force Academy. I went to MEPS – Military Entrance Processing Station is a Department of Defense joint-service organization staffed with military and civilians. Their job is to determine an applicant’s physical qualifications, aptitude and moral standards as set by each branch of military service, the Department of Defense, and federal law.
At the time, the minimum weight standard for a female at 66 inches height was 108 pounds. I was a mere 99 pounds. I decided that I would put on a lot of extra clothes for the weigh- in. I put on a number of jackets and extra layers of pants. When I was to step on the scale, the person weighing me asked me if I would like to remove my jacket and I said no. I was at a MEPS facility in Mississippi and there was absolutely no reason for me to have that many clothes on. Luckily for me, I had added enough weight in there that the military offered me entry into the United States Air Force Academy Preparatory School. Since that entry in 1999, I have gained 25 pounds in 15 years. I still get accused of looking thin and having no meat on my bones. The truth of the matter is that I do not exercise a lot but I do try to eat healthy. I do not keep a scale in my home. I do not measure my calories each day. I have bad eating days and good eating days. I love to eat food and I also love a good discussion on healthy eating habits. I am self-conscious about my weight too. Even though some people think I look too thin, there are people close to me who notice and comment on the fact that I’ve gained weight. The most annoying comments come when I have gained a few pounds when I am bloated for no apparent reason. I have several close friends who have recently had children or are currently pregnant. I listened to so much dialogue about how much weight was acceptable for them to gain and how long it should take them to lose it post pregnancy. Why do these people make these comments? They want to see people in what they believe to be a perfect state. Unfortunately no such state exists, not for me and not for you. I do not understand fully the struggle that comes with being overweight and the struggle to curb unhealthy eating habits or the struggle to learn to enjoy exercise. I freely admit that I do not understand but I do empathize with the struggle. What I know for sure is that you are more than a number. You are more than the pounds on the scale. You are more than the calories you intake each day and measure on your Fit Bit. You are more than the number of steps you took today. You are more than your age. You are more than the number of miles you run. You are more than the weight you lift. You are more than the minutes you exercise. You are more than the number of diets you have tried. You are more than a number. Stop focusing on the number. Escape the number. Figure out who you are first and foremost. Reflect on yourself. Discover what makes you happy. Then, align your exercise and weight goals accordingly. I think as a society we are in a vicious cycle. We think if we are an optimal weight, then we will be happy. When we cannot reach this optimal weight, we are not happy. For some, the goal of reaching a target weight results in a permanent state of depression. Perhaps your weight is not the source of your happiness and never will be. Remember there is no such thing as perfection. People who tell you otherwise are simply unrealistic, unreasonable, and out of touch with reality. Maybe if we are happy, we will be better positioned to reach our health goals (not, I will be happy when I reach my health goal). What if you concentrate on being happy right now? Life’s problems or happiness are not fixed or achieved by food or lack of food. On December 26, 2015, I felt great empathy and sadness upon learning about the death of 28-yr old Marine Sgt. Tristan Clinger. After a long six days missing, his wife, parents, siblings, and three young children, along with a host of comrades, friends, extended family, and complete strangers, learned of his fate. I worked with his father a retired Master Gunnery Sergeant. My prayer for him was simply "Lord have mercy and bring you peace".
After a reported bout of depression, the thought of the military finding out about his struggle perhaps proved too much to bear. Being a combat veteran, I can certainly see how and why he may have wanted to keep this from his chain of command. In today's military, service members and veterans are encouraged to come forward and seek mental health for PTSD and other mental illnesses, but there is still much more work to be done as evidenced by the rate of military suicides. Every day over 22 Veterans and 1 Active Duty Soldier take their own lives. The idea of deliberately smothering the life given to you is seemingly incomprehensible to those who have not had suicidal thoughts before but then in a very present and real moment, it happens and cannot be undone. Is it the fear of feeling small and insignificant or the thought that we are no longer needed on this earth that causes the abandonment of the desire to live? The pain must become truly too much to bear. The suicide earlier this year of Cara Miller along with the dialogues I had with two other military members who were suicidal this year made me think that the thought of suicide when it comes is subtle but then it becomes the only thought. I may never know or understand but these experiences more broadly have enhanced my understanding of the human bond. We are all connected. We are one. I heard Jimmy Carter say that "on a cosmic scale, we are all in the same boat." As I encounter people on a daily basis, I want to be a game changer. I want to change the trajectory of people's lives in a positive direction or enable people to maintain the positive track they are already on. Certainly as a parent, I think a lot about the trajectory I am sending my son on. A small act now could result in much larger impact for years to come. I want to make people feel bright inside. What if we all did this? In the profound words of Sydney Long, may we keep other safe from their darkness with our love. We have all had experiences where our actions have been misinterpreted by others.
If our intentions were honest, there is little value still in defending ourselves because this still leaves the other person feeling dissatisfied. We all want to believe that what is inside is the only real thing. I am reminded of the old saying that "perception is reality". The trouble is that both the intention and the perception are real. We see the outside, not the inside of people. The most relevant part of ourselves remains a mystery to all who encounter us. If we are not self-aware, we may also find that our true self is mysterious. When the inside is shared, it is still sometimes not fully shared. Therefore, most of us do our best to maneuver through life keeping the balance between intentions and perceptions. In the book The Pocket Chogyam Trungpa, the gift of fearlessness is described as a type of generosity. The gift of fearlessness is defined as reassuring others and teaching them that they do not have to feel completely tormented and freaked out about their existence. It is aiding others in seeing the basic goodness that exists in the world and aiding others in realizing that there is a way to sustain their life. I am reminded of people that I know that believe that their existence is continuously morphed in a negative manner by their surroundings and circumstances.
The truth is that to exist fearlessly, we have to be willing to see ourselves. Do you look at yourself directly? Do you know yourself? Are you afraid of seeing yourself? Do you exist in comfortable frameworks as a method to avoid self exploration? What frameworks allow you to “safely exist” without truly facing yourself? In this moment, I face the side of myself that has struggled to manage my finances, the side of myself that sabotaged romantic relationships of mine and others, and the side of myself that has struggled to be fully engaged as a mother. Have you struggled in these areas too? In my writing, I will often explore and admit parts of myself that are seemingly embarrassing. People often ask why I write about those embarrassing moments. When you do question these admissions, I would challenge you to tell me some part of yourself that you are embarrassed to admit. Use my admissions to generate bravery and courage within yourself to study who you really are. Unfold your habitual patterns that surround the lies you tell others about yourself. When you do this, you will begin to feel relieved. When you have faced the reality of life, you can start moving forward instead of moving in unproductive and lie-based perpetuity that has served you no good. Now, I still believe that as humans, we all have a fundamental state of goodness within and we should certainly work to project this. I certainly see and appreciate the sense of goodness that emanates from so many areas of the universe. At the same time, we should not be condemned for our desires for the most part. But let us go BEYOND our fear and this is what is described as fearlessness. Certainly everyone wants you to be extraordinary, but it is good to be okay with being ordinary. Accept yourself just as you are and then use your imperfections as you progress and improve. Make them part of the journey. Today, I give you the gift of fearlessness. Do not fear. Do not doubt. Do be courageous. Seek out an inner circle that gives you this gift so you can study your truths in a safe environment and move forward in a positive direction. It was the Christmas season in 2015. I was part of a Facebook group called No Excuse Moms. In this particular group, women cheer each other on when they are struggling, surviving or thriving. It is so important to possess the capability to lift people up no matter where they are in their life and I am working to become better at this.
I happened to read a comment to a main post that spoke to me. I immediately felt compelled to take action. A mother was expressing her worry about not being able to get her children anything for Christmas so I asked her to please contact me because I wanted to help. My offer brought this mother to tears and through Facebook messenger, the woman described some items that her children - a 13 year old boy and 8 year old boy - might be interested in. Now if they are anything like my 9 year old boy, they must get the items they want otherwise the world will end. As a mother, I can relate to the desire to please my child and to see the smile that comes when you give a child a gift. The thought of not being able to do this scared the mother. My offer gave her the courage to ask her boys what they wanted because now she had hope and faith that they may actually receive the items. What was she feeling? Hopelessness. She told me a story of a gentleman that comes to the restaurant she works at. Every time, before he leaves, he picks a table and pays for the meal. When she asked why he did this, he said simply to give people hope. I immediately went to Amazon and placed an order for a skateboard, football, two video games, an Uno game, a soccer ball, and a nice bracelet for mom. Two days later, the items had already started to arrive. When you are in a position to give hope, grab the opportunity. My generosity allowed the mother to feel blessed and allowed her to rest at night. She relayed to me that she now had a "renewed spirit" and "peace of mind". My act of kindness gave her "the strength to push on". I appreciated greatly that this mother had the courage to answer my offer to help and that she allowed me to be generous in creating a moment of joy for her family. She said to me "I believe God sent you to me right when I needed a blessing so much. I appreciate you." Technology can help us to perform great acts. You may complain about social media, but it allowed me to reach a complete stranger in Florida and offer help. You may complain about Amazon but it allowed me to rapidly deploy gifts to a family in need during a holiday season. My intention was simply to transfer the spirit of hope, generosity, and renewal to a mother in need. Answer the call to help, and use all tools in your possession to achieve these simple acts of compassion that can change the trajectory of the human spirit for we are all connected near and afar. I was watching an older film called Love Actually and a quote stuck with me – “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.” I began to think about whether this was actually true. The movie inferred that love did not have to be pointed directly at us for us to experience it.
I experienced something very positive in a trip to Sheffield, England in 2015. I noticed that in most conversations with family and strangers alike, sentences ended in the words of endearment such as “love” or “dear” or “sweetheart” or “darling”. I found that the simple and regular use of these terms of endearment completely and positively changed my opinion of the interaction and my subsequent response. We could benefit from being a casual observer of love. If we can become aware of the acts of love happening all around us, we could actually become more loving ourselves. What do you think? Is there some merit to this thought? Some ways that love is expressed around you are through expressions of affection, gratitude, generosity, kindness, forgiveness. Make a habit of smiling when you recognize love. Love can be a lifelong experience involving everything around you. At a basic level and with utmost respect and recognition of humanity, love is not just reserved for our children, spouses, family, and friends. Once we learn to recognize the signs and expressions of love all around us, we can move from being a casual observer to being a participant. It is the ultimate form of love to believe in others’ potential, celebrate their successes, be their advocates and to treat them with kindness. We can only consistently do this if we deliberately remove our anxieties, resentments and stresses so we do not consciously or unconsciously pass them on to others. We must also remove the preconception that everyone must change themselves to come into alignment with our personal preferences. Why do we have to look at people with the idea that they need to change SOMETHING or the sense that they need to agree with us on everything? Will you be personally affected if most people change nothing at all around you or would both parties be happier in the presence of genuine acceptance? How can you authentically illuminate others? Well, you must truly believe that your encounters with others are love or a call for love. If you look for it, you’ll find that love is all around. When you recognize it, you become connected to it. Let love be your connection to others. An email from a boyfriend to me (2010):
You said that some days I try to tear you down and some days I'm really supportive. You said that I'm always looking for you to fail. The fact of the matter is we don't belong together. Nobody I know would have given you a chance, or if they had they would have used and abused you. I work really hard to build up your entire values system from scratch and try to share with you how I see an incredible relationship works. Not just an average relationship, but an absolutely incredible one. Very few women ever get the opportunity to be with a guy who will do so much for them or work so hard for them and love children and be capable of committing to them and avoiding strip clubs and other stuff like that. You are in a position many women would kill for. And you came into it with an incredible amount of baggage and with a history of making horrible and destructive decisions. You have one of the worst records with guys. I'm not looking for you to fail, or hoping you will fail. I want to succeed with you. But the fact of the matter is my risk analysis came up RED! I'm putting myself in an incredibly vulnerable position with someone who's history tells me they will fail epically. But I'm putting my heart under a guillotine anyway. Don't you think it would make sense to react strongly to signs that the blade was going to fall? It really hurt when you got mad at me for being frustrated with having to raise you. You are like a child in so many ways and I am the father you never had in a lot of ways. That's not how a relationship is supposed to be. I felt horribly taken for granted so I explained to you in no uncertain terms why it is that I feel hurt on a daily basis and why I see you did not prepare for this relationship. It's like I have built up a relationship dowry of millions of dollars and all you have an IOU. That sucks. But I work really hard to make it work. To try to see just the good in you that I know is there and become numb to the past. I am not an emotional person but in 30 minutes last night you completely turned my emotions upside down. You dug your way into a dirty fucking little cave of pain and disgusting things and I am the only person who ever tried to help you. And last night you got mad at me for being frustrated about the fact that my woman was in that cave in the first place. But I stay! I stay here with you and hold your hand. I want to leave all of that behind and show you how happy and great the rest of the world is. I want you to bury your head in my arms and we will leave the place you made. I know what you have done. I know things about you nobody else does and I know how disgusting and horrible your life has been. I always wanted a virgin and a happy shiny life. But I won't leave you and I want you and I want you to be happy. It sucks not just being taken for granted but being attacked for having an emotional response to doing what I do for you. I don't get anything out of this. You don't pay me. I have never asked you for anything. I've never used you for anything I just give to you endlessly. I give you time and caring and love and all those things you have never done anything to earn. I hate saying that. I hate that it is the way that it is. I wanted a perfect happy little relationship but I can't have that with you. I have worked so hard to do the right thing. And last night I felt like you were attacking me for that. That sucks. But I won't give up. I won't leave. Not without you. I want you and I want to have a fantastic relationship with you and I have prepared for it and I work hard for it every day. |
Ms. Bhakti MaryI am an optimistic, positive, generous and driven author who is passionate about self-improvement. The essence of who you are does not lie in the past. What matters is what you are willing to do NOW. You are the presence.
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