I had an employee who was an outstanding leader and program manager.  Whenever I asked her to accomplish something, she would look me in the eye when she sensed worry or anxiety from me and she would say "I've got your back".  That seemed so personal and it stuck with me.  Today, I told my boss, "I've got your back".  He is on leave and I'm handling some things for him that he didn't think to ask me to handle.  His first thought was to apologize for not giving me a full list of what he needed done...but honestly, that doesn't matter...I've got his back.  ​

My favorite photo of me and my husband Mark was one outside of one of his favorite restaurants (Cafe Kor) in one of his favorite places (Budapest, Hungary) taken on September 15, 2015.  

I left my previous job about three months ago.  My old boss was a jokester, appropriate and inappropriate.  Last week when I posted this memory photo, he commented "I love father daughter pics!".  

This was hurtful.  I am hurt. He could have just not commented, but those were the words he chose.  As a black woman, I already look younger than my true age and as a white male, my husband looks older.  Being a bi-racial couple, we look farther apart. And now that we're raising two tiny humans, we both look super old every day - but it shows more on my husband.  I don't need anyone to point it out to me. I live it every day. At least we meet the 'rule of seven' dating rule.  ​

Getting outside can make you more mindful. The act of walking can improve your mental well being and physical health.  Being outside forces you to be in the moment - that's a good thing! Immediately you must pay attention to what is happening right around you.  ​

When you are one member of a team, don't think or assert that you are the team. ​

My little guy Liam was just two months shy of 2 years old.  He came home from school with a low grade fever and was being a 'sad sack' which is what we call Liam when he's not feeling well.  Usually he's a happy kid so we know when he's not feeling well.  I had thought he should take a nap, but he wasn't interested and was sad and hungry...and tired.  I decided to take him outside because going outdoors almost always makes my kids feel and behave better. 

We went to the wildflower garden I decided to plan this summer in one of our garden beds that had not fared well with vegetables.  The wildflower garden has been a great place of respite for our family during a summer that has been full of strange twists and turns under quarantine.  In our time in the garden, we often observe bees and butterflies and ladybugs; we watch them work and move about.  We learn our colors and talk about what flowers we think are pretty.  Sometimes we pick flowers to share with each other and we touch flowers gently. 

Liam's "sad sack" mood immediately lifted as we went outside to check out the flowers.  We saw a large monarch butterfly and spent the next 20 minutes watching this large beautiful butterfly move about from flower to flower.  We even tried to touch the butterfly!  After some laughs, curiousity and wonder, we went back inside.  It was nice in that moment to just see him smile and feel better.  

What garden are you taking people to around you?  What butterflies do you see?  What makes you curious and joyful and do you share that with someone? ​

I spent my late teens and early 20s being attracted to the wrong people who were not prepared to invest on the level I was.  I looked at people who were uniquely challenging and I saw them as being worth more due to their unavailability and I assigned qualities to them that perhaps they didn't have. I thought people were out of my league or hard to get and I chased them.  

I couldn't think of someone I truly loved and cared about. My family didn't raise me using words like love and caring.  In fact, I didn't 'love' my dad and I probably knew I cared about my mom. I wouldn't say I loved my siblings. I could not and did not think of myself in the light of what treatment I deserved and so I accepted far less than what I deserved all the time in that time.  

Yes, now I know differently about love but my foundation is what it is and it haunts me and lives in me. It is for fear of judgment that I don't write more about my reflections on my 20s.  My truth is the truth of so many....one day I will write it. 



​

Don't mistake a firm stance for an informed stance.  As leaders and followers, we often encounter people making firm stances but rarely are firm stances informed.  It is an art to learn how to make someone above us informed especially when they have publicly taken a stance. As leaders, being humble will help you come from being firm to being informed. We always learn more with time. How do we gracefully and humbly share that knowledge with others or change our opinions based on it? ​

It had been an eventful decade since I last talked to an old college flame.  I guess old is the term you use when something is a decade old. You always wonder how old loved ones are doing and what their life has become.  When we became reconnected on LinkedIn, it was with trepidation because all these years later I was still hurt.  Women are often hurt like this over and over again particularly if they don't find the love of their life early on.  I commented that "I often reflect on the past but I don't dwell."  This was me passively saying - I have not forgotten but you don't affect me the way you used to and it hurt.  What came next, I could not have anticipated. 

I want to apologize for my actions as a younger person-I don't think I treated you as well as you treated me, and in fact, looking back, my actions were generally shady, unnecessary, and disrespectful.  I think I was probably caught up in trying to ensure that I could never be accused of being a chump or "whipped" or whatever juvenile term you want to assign to that behavior.  Nonetheless, it always made me place a wedge into our relationship, and keep you at arms-length.  I want you to know that that there was nothing wrong with you, and that the problem was with me.  Hopefully, I didn't bring about the development of any issues that you've carried around since, but if I did, I want to sincerely apologize.  At this point in my life, I aim to make my internal values align with my external "expressed" values, so I can be a good model for my daughters.  As to whether or not I am successful at that remains to be seen. I hope that you're not just mentally well, but that you are thriving, and that you are able to pursue all of the things that you wish to in this life. 

Here's the thing - clearly he too had been thinking about his impact on me. He wasn't hurt the way that I was.  He was "caught up" but not devastated.  Like many men of my past, he offered an apology which I suppose is what one would consider "closure".  But it's never really closed. I know that if I saw him today, everything would come rushing back.  The only closure is a relationship made right. All the men I loved, I still love...I have never hated one. I just wanted them to make things right. 

For many years after this relationship and probably still today, I was broken and I tried to understand what I did wrong.  I left thinking I was not good enough and that I didn't deserve the love that I was seeking.  I moved past it as well as I knew how into more failed relationships with the same pattern.  What is left today is still that sting which makes a message like what he sent bring tears to my eyes and I recall the pain and hurt and the layers of effort that were met with arm length wedges.  

There is no way to undo the pain caused from relationships like these even after an eventful decade. Having a man acknowledge his role in that hole I have inside of me at least confirms that it was not me.  The apology is everything, yet it is nothing. 
​

When I was 16 or 17 years old, I used to sneak out of the house occasionally to go hang out with guys and friends.  There were two guys in high school that I was crazy about - Jonathon was a "good guy" and Donald was a "bad guy".  I LOVED Donald so much.  One night, Donald took me to an old abandoned church on Monroe Road (the road I lived on) where he and 3 other guys proceeded to rape me.  I didn't even know some of the other guys and I couldn't see them.  It was dark, cold, and dirty. In 2011, Donald reached out to me to ask for help with a paper he needed to complete in order to graduate from college.  I refused to help him until he discussed that night with me.   

He said, "I think about that all the time and hate a lot of things I did then. I'm really different now u would be proud!!"

I said, "Do you feel bad about it? Do you remember what happened?" 

He said, "Hell yeah. I feel bad and yes I remember.  I think about you all the time too! I wish I was different then.  You would love the new me!!" 

I said, "I hate you for that". 

He said, "I know you do. I am sorry. Please forgive me." 

I said, "All of y'all who were that way to me are all happily married with families.  I've never been able to get things right."

He said, "I wouldn't say all that!  I think I'm cursed. I see you doing good." 

I said, "I know you were just a kid too but I can't help feeling the way I do."

He said, "I know.  I was just a kid too. I am nothing like that now. I am good."

I said, "I am not doing good.  I have never had a great relationship and I always think back to that night and other times too." 

He said, "Are you going to forgive me?" 

I said, "I have but it does not mean that I am not hurt about and it doesn't mean that I understand why it had to me. I have been nothing but a kind nice person my whole life.". 

He said, "It wasn't just you! It was a lot of bull.... went on then but that's the past.  This is now and I have changed." 

That's how all of these conversations go - Yes, I remember - Yes I am sorry - I am not the same now - Please forgive me and move on. 

When I think back to the the first time I had sex and I can't really remember much of that encounter except I just sort of gave into what was happening and didn't know what was going to happen...or what it even meant. I was gang raped shortly after that experience, perhaps the same year which was the experience in the abandoned church. The timeline is fuzzy but it wasn't long apart. Following this, I had a lot of sex. I later read about what rape is and came  to understand that rape is about power. To consider the first occurrence which involved four guys to my memory, I did not know what was going to happen but clearly before I was picked up that night, those guys had decided my fate in a nonchalant way...they methodically carried out their plan and did so many other nights when picking me up to take me to various houses.  I was powerless, there was no one on my side, I was afraid and I was alone. That night reinforced the worthlessness I felt about myself. My father never told me I was worth anything. My father controlled my mother and my sister's mother.  One by one, those guys came and stole away from me something I can never have again. I try to remember but I honestly can't - I think one of the guys was the guy that first took my virginity. I think two of the guys are actually married with children. Do you think they remember that night? I can't even remember who the other person might have been. I just see the darkness that I saw that night and I feel the cold that I felt and the thin mattress on the old wood floor. I've replayed this in my head many times.  Since that first rape, I have felt isolated and have been unable to truly connect to anyone. Every time I tried to connect with someone, they broke my heart.  There has always been walls up or imposed distance between me and others.  I found superficial ways of connecting to guys which I did in the form of sex. I kept these things inside for many years.  I have always been embarrassed about it among other things. 

While sex is a form of intimacy not to be confused with rape. I wanted to have sex, I wanted to feel powerful in my sexuality again, to take control of my body and how it was used. The damage of the self-inflicted promiscuity was as terrible as the rape itself.  The first time I had sex, there were no feelings or emotions tied to it, and this was the case many many times. I did not know what a healthy, safe, normal sexual experience was.  In my thoughts, another reason for my promiscuity was that I was afraid if I did not surrender my body, the guy would tell me no, he would reject me and I didn't want to be alone. I felt like I had nothing. Even when I didn't want to sleep with someone, I wouldn't say no and I felt like I became easily emotionally attached to anyone near me. I tried to hang on to guys when nothing was there to hold onto. I had false hope...false sense of emotion and feeling. I began to equate sex to love and thought if I had sex with guys, they would love me and love me more. I wanted anyone to show me affection and love.  Through all of this I gained a feeling of normality for abnormal sexual expression.  I also equated sex with communication. I did not understand the dynamics of a real relationship and could not distinguish between a relationship and someone using me.

In some sick way, when I was raped, those guys had power over me and if I could seduce a man and make him sleep with me, then I was in control of him. I could have anyone I wanted. I also felt validated when I could sleep with a guy. In these moments I was worth nothing to anyone. I was lonely and I wanted to be worth something - I would have sex even when I didn't want to. Some of the guys would insist and I would consent perhaps out of fear sometimes that they would take it.  But in the end, I felt like I was good for nothing but a fuck but a fuck was the only control I had and really it was no control but use and abuse. I had a hard time finding what I was worth and I rarely had someone reach out and love me, male or female. I have been rejected and used. I have been lied to, I have been promiscious. I have felt hurt from the way my father treated me and the way I saw him treat my mother.  I never saw them hold one another - never remember them kissing, never remember mom holding me in her arms and nurturing me...I always just wanted someone to put their arms around me and hold me so when I'd have sex with someone, and he would hold me, I would imagine that there was something about me he liked or found loveable, but then I'd end up alone again. What a line of bullshit I was feeding myself.

And when women enter into new relationships, if they are honest about their emotions, they risk their loved ones never looking at them the same again.  They risk everything. ​

Some mornings, I would pour my orange juice into a fancy wine glass and put a few strawberries on top.  This seemed like a small action but somehow it made me feel a little more worthy and a little more positive.  Take whatever small steps you can to treat yourself.  It is these moments that can carry you through the whole day balanced and level. Our body and mind often responds to small triggers.  This could be the touch of a glass, the sight of your juice in a glass with a splash of fruit punch, the feel of the glass on your lips...what are your triggers and how are you using small triggers to create a positive vibe? 

Alabama Shakes “Over My Head” reflected how he felt about me and how I felt about him. If you ever honestly been in love, this captures the passion, intensity, ease, insecurity, uncertainty, beauty, thrust, overwhelming, desire, compromised, exposed, chaotic melody that it truthfully is. 

As the lyrics go, "I'm in over my head.  I don't think of you as bits and pieces.  I think of you only like a miracle.  Lovin' so deeply...I feel it through all my past lives.  It feels good, I'm never saying goodbye."

We were always in over our heads from the beginning and the way I felt about him could have lasted for every lifetime I ever had and I never ever wanted to let go in my spirit.  I held closely and harnessed this love feeling as often as I could.  No one could take away all the love I ever got from him.  I want to be buried under this love.  

There’s nothing I find (or at least I think I find) more attractive than someone who cares about themselves.  I don’t mean this in a narcissistic kind of way – but someone who works out, someone who eats on a regular schedule, someone who thinks about what they eat, someone who schedules self-care time into their schedule.  When they do this for themselves, it opens them up to encourage you to do the same. 

​The truth is that the obesity epidemic and the greed mentality has driven our level of self care to the gravestone.  We hide behind our fat. It becomes a layer underneath which we cannot see a way to pull back on our old habits which we unknowingly formed by using food as an emotional crutch or just simply eating too much of a bad thing the food industry sold us – the addiction that food has become. It is important to guard against unnatural things that become addictions – gambling, eating processed foods, etc. 

I am so mad at the universe or whoever you call the divine being who orchestrates the happenings of the world. I am furious that I was not afforded the opportunity and the capability to find and participate in love at a young age.  No one I ever deeply loved, loved me back the same way in an enduring fashion.

The amount of heartbreak I had endured by my early 30s was astounding and the amount of myself I had given paled in comparison. By my mid 30s, I was empty and hopeless and looked on with envy as friends described their love smitten relationships.  Even in my 30s I found myself wondering why not me – why don’t I deserve the 20 yr kind of love?  Is it a figment of my imagination – 5% of all relationship that most of us won’t ever achieve? 

And I knew so many people who were in my same boat – getting divorced, divorced, heartbroken, and searching endlessly.  I didn’t believe in marriage or even monogamy and despised the jealousy and insecurity the ideas brought to relationships.  I didn’t want to ‘belong’ to anyone and wanted no one to possess my heart solely.  The thought of my eggs going into one basket was terrifying – a pattern that had never paid off for me.  I sought the very thing I hadn’t dreamed of – the thing that wasn’t advertised – short term flings, fun encounters without strings attached because it was the strings that when stretched, knotted and cut hurt the most. 

​I didn’t want to get too deep into who I was – I didn’t feel like I needed to, as it was in these surface relationships that I could experiment, try new things, live on the edge without someone seemingly permanent feeling like their position was threatened.  I enjoyed the fly by moment life without the baggage and strings that would have been avoided had I found that love at a young age and skirted around all the heartbreak I would suffer at the hands of many many men.

Recently I tried to buy Mark, my SO, some clothes. I struck out 100%...like big time...zero of 10. Everything was too small. How my eye saw the clothes was not accurate. The funny thing is that a week prior I had went to a store to shop for myself and I was hoping that most of the clothes I took to the dressing room wouldn't fit, but 95% did. We often know the truth about ourselves and others cannot see these truths. Dark, cold, warm or beautiful, we hold them close. No one knows the best or worst of me better than I do. So is this how things should be or how they are prone to be? I don't know about you but I greatly dislike when I underestimate or overestimate someone. It happens more that any of us is comfortable with. The solution...gather and use data carefully. Rely less on intuition and more on fact. Things don't change as often as we think or desire so in many cases data will hit the nail on its head.

Nobody raves about average - a quote from Rashad Howard today that stirred my thoughts.  As a mother, significant other, military Reservist, government civilian employee, boss, mentor, aspiring author,  and friend, I struggle to find the true difference between average and extraordinary and sometimes no amount of work seems to exist to create the leap in every area.  So let's walk through my mind together as I try to resolve this within my own life. 

I believe that as mothers, our children and spouses expect that above all we will be extraordinary parents and companions but average at everything else if not poor.  ​

It's okay if I have to travel for work as long as it doesn't reach a threshold - one that only my significant other defines based on how he is feeling that week about watching our child - that is untenable to my family and turns me into a bad mother and companion.

It's okay if I mentor a high school student if I do it during my work time where it is not noticeable to my family and during a time I would be gone anyway during my 8 hour workday.

It's okay if I am a friend to someone as long as I take my children with me when we hang out so that I don't spend too much or any time with my friends that I could be spending with my children or companion. 

It's okay if I work but any professional development I pursue above the mandatory training is 'optional' and bound to create an imbalance where I suddenly don't care about being the best companion or parent that I could be. 

It's okay to pursue a retirement with two jobs but it will be seen as something that means I have to dismiss other activities to only be a mother or companion because I am already spending too much time working which is seen as taking away from my motherhood duties or companionship needs. 

It's okay to write but I shouldn't write my honest thoughts about people I care about because if they might be seen in a true light instead of behind the filtered and still camera shots that permeate social media.  

The boundaries and constraints that are invisibly placed on people trying to be extraordinary cannot be underestimated.  The problem with deciding to pursue having a family is that family always sees time away from them as time away from them. It is construed as a luxury.  The selfish bubble that family places around mothers often suffocates and drives them away from being extraordinary at anything.  There is no 'whole' person when you're a mother and I cannot just give up elements of my life to be extraordinary in others.  There isn't much tradespace to facilitate these balancing acts and my attempts to create them are met with rage and fury.  

So I am an okay friend, an average mentor, a decent mom, a reasonable boss, a below average employee, an okay mom, a shoot at the hip author and an okay significant other.  I know I am not reaching my full potential in any area and even if I were just be a mother, significant other, and employee, that wouldn't grow me with any widespread impact or benefit.  Deepak Chopra says that needs are good when they are growing, expanding or evolving you.  This is a self-centered approach which is exactly the approach you have to take when you want to become a better human being. 

No one will encourage you to become a better human being if it is not of some value to them unless they themselves are on a similar journey and can see that the journeys that grow, expand, and evolve you don't always converge but they serve as a benefit to all in the long run.  A narrow lens only shows paths that converge in the near term but a wide lens shows paths that may diverge slightly all along but result in you walking next to someone, not behind them over a long period of time.  As a working mother, your family, friends, and acquaintances will all be better off if you open your lens and embark on a journey full of possibility in all aspects of your life. 

Erase the fears of feeling inadequate or being guilted into only improving certain aspects of your life.  Take or even ignore the heat you will get from trying to be your best at more areas than being the mom and companion and create a long lasting and sustainable path for yourself that supports your needs to grow, expand and evolve.  It's not about being average or extraordinary - you must start with being bold and daring.  Chase your dreams - if they fail, try again.  Don't stop ever.  There is no power in having a poor self image or in feeling deficient in areas you want to feel extraordinary in. 

You can weave your desires into a life that shows the strong woman you see yourself as.  The result might be a few unfulfilled people in your life - but remember that this is not on your account as a unpaid bill.  After all, it is not your responsibility to make people feel fulfilled.  This is an individual responsibility to start from a place of fulfillment so that they do not act as a leech on your soul as you try to grow, expand and evolve.  The cold hard truth - most of us are surrounded by leeches - a society and culture that encourages bonding for fulfillment hence creating relationships and arrangements fraught with using and abusing the human spirit.  All around us we witness deficient people encouraging others in acts that make them feel better about their deficiencies by discouraging the behaviors that make people fulfilled and resilient in a sustainable and independent fashion.  

The key here is don't accept the bill for someone you are not responsible for.  It can go into collection - guess what?  It's still not your problem!  Maybe you help a little when you can and when it is positively received but the entire time, keep your center calm and collected and keep chasing extraordinary - whatever that means to you. Eventually others in your life will want to know how you did it. 

Extraordinary is not a not a destination reached by walking behind someone or attached to someone at the hip.  It is reached by taking journeys where you surround yourself by people and experiences that expand, grow and evolve you - this is not just one person or just your spouse and kids and a few friends - it is a diverse network of positive randomness all directed at making the diameter of your calm and collected center wider and wider so you can thrive no matter what life brings to you. 

Here's to chasing extraordinary and expanding our centers! 

An insecure person or even a person in pain will feel the need to operate from a place of defense to their own peril. It is from this position that you forget to listen, cut others off, and miss the rare opportunities to open the windows to the souls of others by invitation. It is from this position that you become so self centered that you destroy any consideration you had in previous moments for the well being of others. For you, security comes not from within but temporarily from your surroundings...from fleeting sources...a drink, a food, a smile. Our sense of security must be independent, resilient and enduring. I am no one's sense of security other than my children because I'm too temporary to sustain more.

I am so mad at the universe or whoever you call the divine being who orchestrates the happenings of the world. I am furious that I was not afforded the opportunity and the capability to find and participate in love at a young age.  No one I ever deeply loved, loved me back the same way in an enduring fashion.

The amount of heartbreak I had endured by my early 30s was astounding and the amount of myself I had given paled in comparison. By my mid 30s, I was empty and hopeless and looked on with envy as friends described their love smitten relationships.  Even in my 30s I found myself wondering why not me – why don’t I deserve the 20 yr kind of love?  Is it a figment of my imagination – 5% of all relationship that most of us won’t ever achieve?  And I knew so many people who were in my same boat – getting divorced, divorced, heartbroken, and searching endlessly. 

I didn’t believe in marriage or even monogamy and despised the jealousy and insecurity the ideas brought to relationships.  I didn’t want to ‘belong’ to anyone and wanted no one to possess my heart solely.  The thought of my eggs going into one basket was terrifying – a pattern that had never paid off for me.  I sought the very thing I hadn’t dreamed of – the thing that wasn’t advertised – short term flings, fun encounters without strings attached because it was the strings that when stretched, knotted and cut hurt the most. 

​I didn’t want to get too deep into who I was – I didn’t feel like I needed to, as it was in these surface relationships that I could experiment, try new things, live on the edge without someone seemingly permanent feeling like their position was threatened.  I enjoyed the fly by moment life without the baggage and strings that would have been avoided had I found that love at a young age and skirted around all the heartbreak I would suffer at the hands of many many men.

I wander
I search
The light shines
Trapped in the tunnel
I slip
I fall
I bleed
My heart flutters sporatically
My feet stumble over rocks
But I wanted to leap across mountain peaks
To sleep softly on clouds
To sit atop Mauna Kea amongst the universe
Still but loud deafening love surrounding me
I find one big star most nights
I seek millions
I wait for my enlightenment
I accept my journey
A slow walk towards the light
Breeze blows me slightly
I smile more, laugh more, give more
Mostly I think of leaping to Mauna Kea.

I hear my alarm ringing at 430

As I wind down in what I think is the final week of my pregnancy with my second child, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on the experience.  

Being 11 years older, I had a lot of trepidation when I found out I was pregnant.  I had just started a new job with much increased responsibility.  I was in a fairly new relationship too with my fiancé Mark who is an older first time father at 52.  I became worried about having a healthy pregnancy.  I think most women worry about this throughout the pregnancy to a degree.  When you are creating a life and nurturing it, you feel a sense of responsibility for the outcome, more so than the father I believe.  You wonder how everything you do could negatively or positively affect the baby and with so much data available, it can be overwhelming. 

One of the hardest things about being pregnant is not being able to predict how you will feel from day to day.  It seems like every side effect is normal.  No one can understand what you are going through and if you tell them, you count on them believing that it could really  be that bad all of the time.  I remember when I first got pregnant, my oldest sister described how she imagined that pregnancy was a blissful experience for most women - I promptly told her that's not the case for MOST women.  I tried not to complain all the time - that would have gotten old and I just hoped that the time would fly by...longest 40 weeks ever!!!! 

Here are some of the effects of pregnancy that I experienced:

Fatigue - This was the toughest part of being pregnant.  When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was in the middle of leading a team in negotiating a $500M contract.  I couldn't show weakness or inability to do my job and the fatigue nearly consumed me in the first trimester.  I  didn't want anyone to doubt my ability to do my job and when we were at the finish line at work with that negotiation, I finally admitted that I was pregnant.  There were days where I felt that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I wasn't used to slowing down and the sheer lack of any energy made me move at a snail's pace mentally and physically.  Even a short walk into my office consumed my entire being.

Blurry vision - One day I was at my son's basketball game and when I looked across the court, I realized that I couldn't clearly make out every player.  Yep, pregnancy affects vision too!  Many pregnant women retain fluids which can change the thickness and shape of your cornea leading to blurred vision.

Nausea - It was hard to make it through many meals due to the nausea but I didn't suffer from the incessant vomiting that accompanied my first pregnancy.  

Gas - Due to my higher levels of progesterone, I had my full share of burping and flatulence.  My son discovered that girls do both!  I told him it's just the baby and that most girls don't make a habit of farting and burping for no reason.  Progesterone relaxes smooth muscle tissue throughout your body, including your gastrointestinal tract.

Constipation - When you're used to frequent bowel movements, you feel like you're stuffing yourself full of poop when you only go once or twice a week.  At times, I wondered how much of my weight gain was poop and how much was really baby.  I know which one will be easier to lose!  Increased progesterone slows the movement of food through your digestive tract and the pressure of your growing uterus on your butt doesn't help either.  Elevating my feet for about 20 minutes a day helped increase my bowel movements. 

Nosebleeds - The whole winter, I woke up with a bloody nose - even with the use of a humidifier, the bedroom still felt like it was full of extremely dry air.  Pregnancy can cause the blood vessels in your nose to expand, and your increased blood supply puts more pressure on those delicate vessels, making them rupture more easily.

Lost sense of need to urinate - Early on, I realized that I no longer knew that I needed to urinate.  I didn't proceed to involuntarily urinate on myself, but I did have to make a conscious effort to empty my bladder from time to time when I began to feel uncomfortable.  I did not suffer from having to urinate frequently at all. 

​Low iron - Whew - by the third trimester, my iron was extremely low.  I took iron tablets for a little while, but I am horrible at remembering to take pills and at taking them consistently so my regimen tapered off after a while and the fatigue associated with low iron returned late in my third trimester as a result. 

Healthy hair growth - I think I lost 10 strands of hair the whole pregnancy.  The gray hairs came in nice and thick and I am sure the standard hair loss will resume soon after delivery. 

Leg Cramps and Restless Leg Syndrome - During sleep, I often experienced painful leg cramps and even had restless leg syndrome a few nights.  This could have been due to low calcium or magnesium levels. I was not good at taking my prenatal vitamins throughout the pregnancy.  

Backache - Increased progesterone and relaxin loosens joints and ligaments in preparation for birth.  When the ligaments around the spine relax, extra strain is put on the back and hips.  Two pregnancy massages were very nice to get during the pregnancy.  Near the end of the pregnancy I couldn't really comfortably turn over in bed. 

Sore belly - I was all belly during the pregnancy, so towards the end, my belly became quite sore around my belly button from all the stretching out.  I didn't exercise at all the entire pregnancy.  After the extreme fatigue I experienced in the first 12 weeks, I decided that I would just take a break from any working out during this pregnancy.  I was simply too tired for exercise. 

With all of these effects, it was hard for me to get excited about being pregnant.  Luckily, the excitement of my friends and family began to rub off towards the middle of my second trimester when my energy began to pick up for a few weeks.  I began to like some pink things (I don't own very many pink things for myself and I'm not a "girly girl".). 

My son's excitement about getting a sibling also helped me to be excited about the pregnancy.  When we finally told him that I was expecting, then we had to wait to find out the gender.  He wanted to know why I hadn't shared the news prior to the second trimester and I had to explain that sometimes the baby doesn't survive the first trimester.  In the back of my head the whole pregnancy, I remained concerned about how he would respond if something did in fact happen to the baby or if the baby wasn't healthy at birth. 

Now I am three days away from my due date and feeling ready to be done!  I finally signed up for teleworking which is a blessing.  I am feeling really nervous about going into labor and although we all know that's temporary, it doesn't make the anticipation or anxiety go away.  As I am typing, I am having a contraction.  I had the Braxton Hicks throughout the third trimester and now I am hoping to start having the real contractions.