I am so mad at the universe or whoever you call the divine being who orchestrates the happenings of the world. I am furious that I was not afforded the opportunity and the capability to find and participate in love at a young age. No one I ever deeply loved, loved me back the same way in an enduring fashion.
The amount of heartbreak I had endured by my early 30s was astounding and the amount of myself I had given paled in comparison. By my mid 30s, I was empty and hopeless and looked on with envy as friends described their love smitten relationships. Even in my 30s I found myself wondering why not me – why don’t I deserve the 20 yr kind of love? Is it a figment of my imagination – 5% of all relationship that most of us won’t ever achieve?
And I knew so many people who were in my same boat – getting divorced, divorced, heartbroken, and searching endlessly. I didn’t believe in marriage or even monogamy and despised the jealousy and insecurity the ideas brought to relationships. I didn’t want to ‘belong’ to anyone and wanted no one to possess my heart solely. The thought of my eggs going into one basket was terrifying – a pattern that had never paid off for me. I sought the very thing I hadn’t dreamed of – the thing that wasn’t advertised – short term flings, fun encounters without strings attached because it was the strings that when stretched, knotted and cut hurt the most.
I didn’t want to get too deep into who I was – I didn’t feel like I needed to, as it was in these surface relationships that I could experiment, try new things, live on the edge without someone seemingly permanent feeling like their position was threatened. I enjoyed the fly by moment life without the baggage and strings that would have been avoided had I found that love at a young age and skirted around all the heartbreak I would suffer at the hands of many many men.
Ms. Bhakti Mary
I am an optimistic, positive, generous and driven author who is passionate about self-improvement.
The essence of who you are does not lie in the past. What matters is what you are willing to do NOW. You are the presence.