'Welcome back...hopefully I didn't scare anyone away for good from that last post. However, the reality is there are many people out there that feel like that.  I know because I once did, and there are suicides every day because these people are not sure how to cope with those feelings. Maybe I'm making this all up, but it seems in my estimation, during a time when you are looking for a confidant to unravel your thoughts and feelings, often times you get shunned. 

Many people make judgement calls based on someone's temporary expression of self. Feelings as strong as the ones described on the previous post, are not easy to express to the masses, when they are not felt by the masses. People only empathize to circumstances and emotions they have personally experienced. Often times labels are put on individuals, due to an inability to express an overwhelming sense of emotion from whatever life circumstances. Labels such as "drama queen", "attention seeker", "liar", or someone who overexaggerrates, can be painful for someone who is just trying to understand what is going on inside them in the first place. Therefore, these deep rooted emotions are kept secret to avoid a public self-scorning. 

When we struggle with strong emotions, in order to understand the manifestation of them we often find ourselves discussing our thoughts with others, to unravel the puzzle of pieces that created them to begin with. However, for myself, as described above, there was a moment of time when it felt as thought no one else knew how to relate. Rather than to cause more social exclusion, I chose to keep these conscious perceptions to myself.

Therein lies the development of psychological dysfunction. The problem with keeping these emotions bottled up is, at no fault or consciousness of our own, they surface in other areas of our lives. Anxiety, PTSD, addiction, bipolar, depression, and even schizophrenia are a few examples of  common mental illnesses that can develop as a result of unexpressed emotion.

Unfortunately, our mind can be our own worst enemy. Especially when the most powerful emotion of comfort and hope has been evacuated from your consciousness, obviously that of love. My personal experience in keeping these things to myself, ultimately created breakdowns, which eventually lead to breakthroughs. The breakdowns was the hopelessness, attempted suicides, depression, and at times, feeling "crazy"; anxiety, OCD, and "busy-ness" took over as ways to cope, as life became "too busy" to deal with "some little emotion". The breakthrough and healing only came because, I was able to recognize a self-destructive behavioral pattern in my life, and I sought help. I studied in depth the development of all of the "issues" I was facing, and followed what I thought to be a way for overcoming each area of dysfunction. 

​I don't believe western medication helps our society. I think it cripples us,  but that is another blog.

In now knowing my history, it will be evident that I have done extensive research in the development of our neurological pathways in many other areas of life which we will touch on as time progresses. 

I will forever be grateful for my internal transformation. 

Selah...

As 2015 closes and everyone celebrates Christmas tomorrow, I am reminded of the years of pain every holiday season, and I can’t fake it anymore. I am no longer ashamed to say, I am not a fan of any holiday where people meet with family. Maybe that is why I like the summer time the best, there are no family holidays. Maybe I forget all the good times, and if that is the case I apologize, or maybe those good times are overshadowed by the pain and loneliness felt during each passing season. Even while surrounded by people and displaying a smile, there is an emptiness or hollow spot within me missing something that only my subconscious knows of… love.

I hate the word love. I use it, even though I probably shouldn’t. I would like to say I love my family, my friends, and my son. I mean, I even try to represent what I think it is supposed to mean to my son, but I can’t say that I know what “love” is supposed to feel like. The only love I know has abuse, pain, neglect, anger, lies, manipulation, and fear attached to it. Although as an adult I know they represent completely different emotions, yet I cannot hear the word love, without feeling all of the other emotions at the same time. After years of searching for what I thought was love, but only attracting more pain, I realized my brain chemistry has created this association after years and years of conditioning. It is a result of the brain’s chemicals that were fired during bouts of pain from those who ever uttered the words, “I love you,” that had now attached those feelings to that word. The world has taught me to not have too strong of any emotion in order to focus, make rational decisions, and survive to the next level. Numb is a great word to describe the emotional condition of where I live. I feel like I had learned my lessons, and love became an emotion I didn’t want to have anything to do with.

Now, I tell my son I love him, because I want him to at least understand what love is supposed to mean and represent, although to be utterly transparent, I don’t know if he feels the  emptiness behind those words. I try to attach the right meaning to the words for him, like hugs and kisses, and talks, and appreciation and approval, and hopefully he gets the right association.

So as families gather, and say I love you and miss you, then not talk to you for the next 12 months because life is just so busy to stay in touch with the people we “love,” right. I’m ok, I don’t need the false reassurance of “your love”. It just doesn’t fit well with how I make sense of things.
​
Maybe this is too truthful for some, maybe others have no idea how someone could seem so cold, but there’s a few, or maybe just ONE, just ONE person that now knows that now knows they are not the only one, feeling kind of numb, during this season… and to them MERRY CHRISTMAS!
​

What better way to start off the blog, discussing a topic so sensitive to some, but yet so irrelevant to others. Yes, I refer to it as an epidemic, because it is a disease, but I'm sure it could even be considered a pandemic by this point.

That being said, I am sickened today about the tragedy drugs, specifically HEROINE, are having on our communities. Every month it seems like I am hearing of someone I know or knew or grew up with overdosing and leaving their children either fatherless or motherless. 
​
Now there are children out there missing one parent or missing both and in foster care. Ultimately, at the end of the day, these children are burdened with feelings of guilt as if they weren't able to be enough for the parent to love them more than the drugs. So, now as we take a look a little deeper than the surface of a child losing a parent to drugs, let's think about how the child would grow up always feeling like they're not good enough, because in hindsight, "if I'm not even good enough for my mother/father to love me, how can I be good at anything else." This is now the fabricated story the child tells itself over and over again, why goals and aspirations are never even set, let alone pursued. Even after growing into an adult and identifying the what, why, and how of the addiction process, there are still many adults replaying that six year old's story to their subconscious minds interfering with the overall success of that individual.

Now, of course this is not the case for all children with parents or other loved ones addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. 
​
When this story is fabricated the child doesn't understand how the drug use started and the disease it turned into, but neither to many  adults, even those in the healthcare field. However, I guess that's another topic all in itself...I believe in the beginning it is a choice and like all young people we think we are invincible and it won't happen to us... and time passes effortlessly... and all the sudden, wait it did happen to us... and by the time you recognize it has happened, it is no longer a choice. It has turned into a habit and a physical and psychological need, and you feel powerless to make it stop!!!

As a healthcare provider, I meet people in the struggle. Some of them have been passed out, blue, and not breathing shoved out of the car, by their "friends" that didn't want a dead body on their hands, brought in in respiratory failure, only breathing 2 times a minute, they may have had their children taken from them, or had heart valve surgery for their now failing heart. What kills me, are the stories of narcotic users...this may be another future post as well... but many of these "addicts" were cut off completely from medication because of the crack down. No weaning, no notice, just, "nope, I know I made you an addict, but I'm not losing my license." 
​
So anyway, there are levels to the depths of the drug crisis on our hands.---I know many don't consider anything to be on their hands. They would just rather go about their pretty little life and continue to judge everyone from a different block---For those of us who recognize there needs to be change, I believe there has to be more than just an increase policing, I don't think that's that answer. I think addressing poverty is more important than increasing the police force. 

There has to be a way to clean up our streets, heal these broken minds and families, and have compassion for those caught in the trap.
 
I would love to hear your thoughts...