Sometimes I feel like running away from everything good. Some days my vision doesn't extend past my singular thought. The responsibility is too big - too grand for my comprehension most days. My to-do lists keep getting rewritten. I keep coming to the edge of missing deadlines. The bills stack up and the spending bleeds. I hide. Everything is on the edge of falling over. It's a real game of Jenga where you try to pull something out to see what happens to me. You ask me to prioritize things differently because it will make you feel better about my choices. You make yourself feel better. My existence motivates some and disgusts others. I choke on my history and admire it too. My confidence rises and I push my insecurities down to my feet. In painful moments, I crush them. I stand tall in the midst of doubters because you have no idea where the veil is or how think it is. I am in your blind spot. You see my reflection.
I do not lie but I do not tell. The judgment comes from those closest when trouble walks through the door. The thought of my offspring suffering bothers me most. But it bothers others in a way that makes them question my best. I own my best but it is a derivative of everyone I have encountered passively or actively. My best is not your best but you mind my business so you judge me.
Why don't you just take my hand, join me in honesty about your struggles, your vulnerabilities, and your TRUTH? In the midst of all of this, your confidence can still rise to the top and we can walk instead of run. We cannot race to the finish because that point is unknown. We can walk steadily moment by moment in the open knowing that even if judgment points in our direction, our best moment is now. No my best moment is now and you must mind your own business lest you run and miss your own best moment.
In Lean In: Women, Work, and The Will To Lead, Sheryl Sandberg discusses seeking and speaking our truth. She expresses hope that someday the expression of authentic emotion can in fact identify natural leaders. Recently, I took a break from writing because I was afraid to write about the experiences I had been having. Even in the workplace I was afraid to discuss them. Coworkers and friends saw me teared up for many days over the past two months and inquired why. There were times where I either broke down or came close to doing so when I normally would not have.
At this point, what I am willing to say is that someone close to me passed away and someone close to me desired to die. In the two months that I experienced these two very serious things, I also gained a promotion at work, watched a good friend get married, another friend had a baby, a niece was on the verge of arrival, I continued the best relationship of my life, and enjoyed a 10 day vacation (just to name a few positive experiences). We often hear others say that life is about balance and while I believe that to be true, sometimes experiences remove that balance for a period of time. Are we more vulnerable to judgment when we are off balance? Absolutely.
What most people are not willing to admit is that the line between our personal and professional lives is often blurred. We are encouraged to keep them separate and to not be vulnerable at work. I was encouraged when I read about choosing authenticity over perfection and showing up with your whole self. To build meaningful relationships with other human beings, we have to share the meaningful parts of ourselves. We must be empathetic, honest, and vulnerable.
Barbara Kingsolver says that "the very least you can do in your life is to figure out what to hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope".
I hope that I can continue to exist in places of vulnerability without judgement. I hope that the whole me can show up most of the time and be accepted. I hope that I am able to share the most meaningful parts of myself with benefit to myself and others. I hope that my authentic communication and my truth makes me the natural leader I long to be and that all of my efforts serve to positively benefit others.
Ms. Bhakti Mary
I am an optimistic, positive, generous and driven author who is passionate about self-improvement.
The essence of who you are does not lie in the past. What matters is what you are willing to do NOW. You are the presence.